THE HILLS RECAP: "NEW YEAR NEW FRIENDS." (plus the return of Lo!)

The Hills screencaps via Laurenconrad.net

This week's episode of The Hills starts off with Lauren and her new BFF Audrina, doing some shopping at Tracy Ross. Since this was filmed a few months ago, and is the New Years episode, the girls are discussing who will be going out that night to celebrate. Lauren tells Audrina that she invited her old friends from Laguna Jill (who?), Natania (who? who?) and Lo (hooooray!). If anyone watched Laguna Beach, you know that Lo rocks and her personality and the comments that come out of her mouth are sorely missed on The Hills. There is no one else like Lo and when Audrina asks Lauren if she is "anything like two-toned Jen," Lauren, queen of fabulous expressions, gets a repulsed, "are you f'ing kidding me?" look across her face. Then she reveals that one of the reasons she and Lo got in a big fight and didn't talk over the past couple years "was because of Jen." Agh! Damn you two-toned Jen! Unfortunately, Lauren does not shell out more information as to what exactly went wrong between them and I am dying to know. Whatever it is, I'm just happy that Lauren and Jen are now in a fight and that Lo will be the one showing up for New Years and not TTJ. Hoorah! Lauren then tells Audrina that she expects Heidi will be with Spencer all New Years Eve and that he was banned from the limo the girls are taking. Lauren also adds that she hopes this New Years will be better than last New Years when meathead Jason was all allegedly drunk and coked up and totally ruined her night.

Next up, Lauren and Audrina are watching darling Whitney play baseball. After the obligatory "hitting the ball with the bat super far the way only Whitney could do" for the cameras, she sits down to talk to the girls about New Years Eve. Whitney then reveals that last year was her "sluttiest New Years ever" because she says she kissed like three guys in one night. Oh Whitney, if only sluts could be more like you. Lauren then tells the girls she was irked when she asked Heidi about New Years and her response was, "I don't know, what are you doing?" Because, like before, it would automatically be assumed that Heidi and Lauren would be spending New Years together. That tool Spencer ruins everything!

Ugh, speaking of Spencer, we next see the most annoying couple on the planet Earth shopping at Milk for a New Years outfit for Heidi. They start to discuss their plans for the evening and Heidi tells Spencer that the two of them will go out to dinner alone and then meet up with the rest of the gang at Area. Seriously, I know Heidi works there and all, but you would think they would get tired of that place. Anyway, when Spencer finds out Lauren will be there, he tells Heidi adamantly, "I am DONE hanging out with Lauren!" Surprisingly, Heidi tells Spencer that she is really looking forward to hanging out with Lauren on New Years, and that she wants to be with her two favorite people, Lauren and her poopie. Just kidding, Heidi wants to be with Lauren and Spencer. On second thought, what the hell ever happened to the poopie Bella? Unless she has turned into the cat Lauren throws across the room every time it jumps on the couch, Bella certainly has not been seen around Hillside Villas. Do you think Jordan got the poopie when he and Heidi broke up last year? Huh. Okay, even though pondering about what happened to the poopie is much more entertaining, back to Spencer...

As the two of them continue to talk in the clothes store, Spencer tells Heidi he has some big news. He then asks her what would she think if he moved out of his condo and got a house for himself and "Princess Heidi?" At this moment, Spencer has his arms wrapped around Heidi and is rocking her back and forth, to where Heidi's arms are up against his chest, practically pushing him away. Yuck. Someone call a body language expert in here puhlease. Heidi actually looks terrified at the thought of moving in with that ass Spencer, but tells him, "Obviously, I would love to move in with you, but I made a commitment to live with her (Lauren) and I'm trying to work things out, I feel like that would just make things worse." Upon hearing this from Heidi, Spencer is not pleased and tells Heidi that her answer was really annoying and that it doesn't help their relationship. Then Spencer tries to shove a knife in Heidi's stomach by telling her that she and Lauren are not best friends anymore and that Lauren spends all her time now with Audrina. Dick.

Over at the Warrenn Tricomi Salon, Lauren is getting her hair done all pretty and Heidi and Audrina are also there. Once again, everyone is going over the New Years plans. Lauren announces that she is bringing some guy from Colorado that she met a couple nights before as her date. She adds that she asked him out, she called him, she's picking him up and that she made all the moves on this fellow. She also said that he is not her usual type. Huh, I guess that means he must be sober? Anyway, Heidi then asks what Lauren's New Year's resolution is and Lauren tells her that she and Audrina are going to take kickboxing. Upon hearing this, Heidi looks longingly at herself in the mirror, probably thinking how Spencer was sooo right about her and Lauren not being "best friends" anymore. Boo hoo. Then Lauren starts laying it on a bit thick, flirting with Audrina in front of Heidi about how the two of them are going to have "twin hair" for the night and order pizza and drink champagne. Heidi can take no more of this and bolts, telling the girls she will see them later that night at Area.

That night, Heidi and Spencer go to Dolce *shocker* for New Years Eve dinner. Between Geisha House, Les Deux and now Dolce, you would think they are members of the Mike Boogie fan club. On second thought, I am sure Spencer is a card carrying member. Spencer tells Heidi that he wishes they could both just go home after dinner for a little bom-chicka-bom-bom. Heidi agrees with him and Spencer goes, "Oh, why can't we? Oh that's right, because you have another boyfriend named Lauren Conrad that we have to meet at da club!" I'm sorry, but I am so over all this "club" lingo. The only person who can say "I have to go to the club" and not sound like an idiot is Ricky Ricardo. Enough. Heidi is now gritting her teeth and is not amused with Spencer's smart ass comments about Lauren and when he asks her if she has "given any thought to his offer?" Heidi tells Spencer she would like to live with him sometime in the next couple years, but moving out right now would compromise her friendship with Lauren. Spencer at this point is seething with jealousy and frustratingly asks Heidi, "why can't Lauren just live with someone like Audrina????!!" Not very smooth Spencer, not very smooth.

Next we are back at the Hillside Villas, where finally, we see the return of Lo! For some reason, Lo looks like a 40 year old housewife, but I will blame it on the awful red lipstick she was wearing and the matronly way she wore her hair. Other than that, it's great to see her again. Lo asks Lauren where the hell Heidi is and Lauren tells her she is with Spencer. Lo then tells the girls how much she loves Heidi and how sweet she thinks she is, but adds that she heard "Spencer was an (and says in a whispered tone) *ass!*" And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why we love Lo.
Over at Area, the girls arrive and as Spencer and Heidi pull up we hear him begging her again to not go in to da club. Lauren is chatting with her Colorado boy who is a very tall, cute fellow with a curly, shaggy mop. And yeah, he seems nothing like Jason. Then Spencer and Heidi walk in and as always, Heidi has to do her annoying yell whenever she enters into da club and sees her friends. Lauren points out the evil Spencer to Lo and as she looks at him, she does the obligatory, "I'm a good friend, so I will give him a dirty look for you" thing.


Later, when Heidi and Lo are talking, Heidi asks her, "my boyfriends cute, right?" Lo, of course has to tell her, "he's totally cute!" because, c'mon, what is she going to say? "No, Heidi. Your boyfriend is not cute. He is a big veneer toothed, annoying, homeless man's Matthew McConaughey wanna-be?" Although she hasn't mentioned it to Lauren yet, Heidi feels free to tell Lo that her cute boyfriend also wants her to move in with him. The two girls then pow wow about what a serious move that would be. Next thing you know, the clock strikes twelve and as Lauren is shoving her tongue down mop-heads throat and everyone is twirling sparklers, Heidi stands alone, looking on at her old friends enjoying their New Years without her. Then, when everyone walks out of da club at the end of the night, Lauren, Mop head, Lo and Audrina all take off without saying goodbye to Heidi. Of Course, Spencer points this out to Heidi immediately and tells her how horrible her friends are. Oh well Heidi, sucks to be you. Where was TTJ tonight by the way? Hopefully home in tears with a carton of chunky monkey! Mwahahaha!

A couple days later over at the Bolthouse offices, Heidi and blond Bolthouse girl are tackling the new task of unstuffing envelopes instead of stuffing them. Good to know those girls know how to do something more than just work a clip board. Anyway, Heidi starts whining about how her New Years kind of sucked because she wanted to spend it with Lauren, but Lauren basically blew her off and barely acted like she was there. Blond girl tells Heidi that it probably happened because the girls probably didn't even want Spencer there. Ha. Heidi was not pleased. She then proceeds to tell blond girl how Spencer asked her to move in with him, blah, blah, blah. Then, in a classic move, when Heidi tells her how Spencer said "everyday I love you more," blond girl looks at the camera and rolls her eyes. I love blond girl! Then Heidi earns her dingbat title even more by saying how she has never been in love like this before. Puke.

Next we see Whitney and Lauren having coffee and Whitney asks Lauren how her New Years was. Lauren tells her about mop head and how she was happy that she could use him up for a New Year's kiss, but part of his appeal is that he can now "go away" because he lives out of town. Then the girls talk more about Heidi and how they are both shocked she and Spencer are still together. Yeah, join the club sweetheart.

Heidi and Spencer are now out to dinner together at I Cugini, a very delicious restaurant in Santa Monica that has now been tainted because Spennnncer has entered the establishment. Spencer starts to lay in to Heidi about how much baggage she has because of her friends (can we say emotionally abusive anyone?). He then tells her that he thinks it's "really rude" that she chooses Lauren over him and Heidi tells him that she thinks it's "really rude that he makes her choose." Although I find these two incredibly annoying, I like how Heidi seems to be standing up to Spencer's bullshit comments more. He then has the nerve to say that Heidi is choosing to live with someone who "abandons her in front of clubs." Huh. If only Heidi would have just blurted out, "Playboy girls!" that would have shut him up good. By the end of the conversation, Heidi basically alludes to the fact that she is going to move in with Spencer and now, will have to break it to Lauren. Sooo much for standing up to Spencer!

Next up at Cafe Sushi, Lauren and Lo are having dinner and in a charming little moment between friends, Lo is eating her sushi and practically chokes from ginger juice going up her nose. They start talking about New Years and how they heard two-toned Jen was planning to go to Area that night, but probably ended up not going because she realized she didn't have anymore friendships to destroy. Ouch! Lo then tells Lauren how happy she is to be back in Los Angeles (woohoo!) and the girls say they would much rather have a small group of real friends then a whole lot of fake friends. THEN, Lo innocently drops a bombshell on Lauren when she asks her, "who is moving into your apartment when Heidi moves in with Spencer?" (Cross fingers that it will be Lo). Upon hearing this, Lauren freezes with edamame stuck in her mouth and asks Lo, "Did she tell you that??" Lo tells her that Heidi came up to her on New Years and told her about the moving in with Spencer thing and that she was thinking about it. Lauren is shocked that Heidi hadn't said anything to her about it and says that she doubts Heidi will move in with him because it's just too soon. Silence hits the table, and in true Lo fashion, she squeaks out, "awkward!" and the girls leave the restaurant and walk into the night.

Next week on The Hills: Lauren has her 21st birthday, Brody Jenner returns and Lauren and two-toned Jen face off!