Tabloid Whore!

7.13.2006

"THE HILLS" RECAP: "SOMEBODY ALWAYS HAS TO CRY."

Eeeks!! Ok, i'm sorry, I know this one was too damn long.
Oh man, the episode starts off again with Lauren buying Jason an expensive present, this time it's dog tags for Christmas and get this, I think they had diamonds on them. Color me confused, do people still wear dog tags?? I want to puke because a punk like Jason does not deserve any ice! I hope that dude buys her presents half as expensive as she gets him. Dingbat Heidi & Lauren go to lunch and Heidi tells Lauren that she wants Jordan to give her a poopy for Christmas. A poopy? Ohhhh, that's Heidi's cutesy way of saying she wants a puppy. God forbid someone ever gives a dog to that girl, it would be dead in a week. Next thing you know, it's time for Heidi, Jordan, Lauren and Jason to sit around their Christmas tree and open gifts to each other. Yes, it was as boring as it sounds. Lauren presents Jason with his very expensive dog tags gift and surprisingly, Jason gives Lauren the really nice black Chanel handbag that she always dreamed of. Whoopdifrickindoo! Now it's time for Heidi's gift from Jordan and he ends up giving her a stuffed animal dog. Heidi tries to play it off like she enjoys his little joke, but you just know she is crushed. Tee hee! Unfortunately, just when it looked like Heidi was about to cry (and I was about to roll on the floor laughing) because all she got was a crappy stuffed animal, Jordan brought out a big box for Heidi. Oh no, please, don't let it be a poopy. Yep! It's a poopy and Heidi starts to cry because she is so happy. Honestly, it was the most adorable poopy I have ever seen and unfortunately, I bet the poor thing is dead by now because Heidi probably doesn't understand that a poopy can't open up the refrigerator door and feed itself.

Next thing you know, it's New Year's Eve and while Lauren and Heidi go to get their hair done, Lauren gets a text message from Jason that says, "I'm glad you liked him. I saw what he looks like. HaHa. Good taste." Please note that I took the liberty of spelling the words of Jason's text message correctly, since we all know the only things he probably knows how spell are "duh" , "uhhh," and "I don't know." It ends up that Jason was talking about a guy that Lauren had the hots for after she and Jason broke up the first time. I guess this dude named David called her, and Jason was all pissy like a 15 year old girl about Lauren answering his call. What a hypocrite. Can you say Jessica? Fashion show? Possible blow job in the stairwell circa Laguna Beach season 2?? Lauren is stunned at what a jealous dumb ass Jason is being about this and just blows off his text message. Ha! Ha! If that weren't bad enough, later the dumb and dumber Jason and Jordan are working out together acting like little bitches and chatting away about how wrong it was for Lauren to take this guy's phonecall. Again, I said it last week, I really thought all you guys cared about was sports and tits. It actually is quite unappealing and demasculating watching men whine like Jason and Jordan were.

Now everyone is about to hit the town for New Years Eve and you know what that means...trouble. First off, it wouldn't surprise me if those boys probably snorted a ton of coke *allegedly* before hitting the club with Heidi and Lauren. By the looks of the way Jordan fell on his ass the minute he walked out of the house, I'm gonna say that the odds of that are probably high (ok, I will admit it was raining and slippery out). The minute we start hearing Jason talk, he sounds drunk and high. God, he is so gross. Poor Lauren, she looked so pretty on New Years Eve and what happens next makes me even more disgusted with Jason than I've ever been. At first, Jason appears to be having a good 'ol high and mighty time. He's making out with Lauren and of course, jumping around acting the fool. Next thing you know, he comes up to Lauren and starts whisper-slurring a bunch of crap in her ear like, "You know what I want to talk about, friendly relationships, just being close friends." That bastard. Lauren says back to him, "what the hell is that supposed to mean?" and he tells her, "I told you we'd have a good New Years. I'm not saying anything after, but I'm saying we'll have a good New Years. I'm not saying it's going to end up good though." Then he has the nerve to tell her he loves her, but when he tried to kiss her, she pulled back. Oh my God Lauren, please, please just slap this jack ass and walk the hell away from him for good. Instead, Lauren calls this drunken fool on his shit and tells him not to threaten to break up with her tomorrow, etc. etc. Girlfriend is fiery mad. Jason, slurring his words so badly they had to use subtitles, tries to backtrack and say he wasn't trying to break up with her and also, starts calling her "woobie." If I ever had a boyfriend that called me "woobie," I'd kick him in the balls! Jason then starts up again and flips the blame on Lauren and they start screaming at each other until she says, "what do you want me to say?" and Jason tells her, "How about you just listen and not talk ever again. How about that?" With that, Jason storms off. Just when you thought it was done, they have one more fight where Jason yells to Lauren that she keeps making mistakes over and over and this time, she tells him she doesn't care and leaves the club. Unfortunately, she did not give him a good smack in the face.

Heidi follows Lauren out of the club and when she sees how upset Lauren is, she jumps in the cab Lauren is getting in, leaving Jordan at the club. I will give Heidi props there for being a good friend. Then Jason calls and says, "Lauren, where are you? Can I please talk to you?" And girlfriend just says, "Happy New Years Jason" and hangs up her phone on him. Booyah! Next a painful conversation ensues between dumb and dumber and Jordan, the expert on maturity and relationships as we saw last week, tells Jason he must go to Lauren and tell her he loves her, etc etc. So now the two knuckleheads are desperately is trying to get to Lauren before the clock strikes midnight. Jason buys like 2 dozen roses off of one of those cheesy street vendors and gets in a limo to try to race to Lauren's apartment in time. It was like a scene from a really bad romantic comedy, but unfortunately, nothing about this was touching or romantic considering Jason was such a cocksucker to Lauren about 15 minutes before. Throughout this whole put on "race to get to Lauren's before midnight," It's so obvious how drugged up both Jason and Jordan are. They are embarrassing. Allegedly.

So finally it's about 2 minutes to midnight and Jason calls Lauren and asks her to come down from her apartment right now to the street. To my joy she starts to give him shit telling him if he loves her, he can walk his ass up to her apartment. At this point, Jason is going nuts because she is fucking up his perfect New Years midnight make up kiss for the MTV cameras. After some convincing from Heidi, Lauren begrudgingly goes outside to see the drunk, high, jackass. They come face to face at 11:59 pm and Jason grabs Lauren and tells her he is so sorry and that he loves her. Then he pulls her to him and gives her a stinky, slurry, drunky ass kiss at midnight, probably thinking this move will be big with all the 15 year old girls watching The Hills. By the way he's grabbing her, Lauren has no choice but to kiss him back. Let me tell you though, she still looked pissed. Jason of course, still looked coked up. I pray she didn't give him any sex that night.

25 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now you know that your family cries at christmas if you don't get the presents you asked for...
when Heidi started this spill I thought I would roll off the couch laughing so hard.
What entertainment would this show be without Heidi. i love this girl, Lauren was my reason for watching Laguna Beach but thats gone now. It's all about Heidi!!

12:52 PM, July 13, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jason is so high school. Lauren needs to put the smack down on him or let him go. Jason wants Lauren when it works for him. When Jason wants his friends, drugs, etc. he is an asshole to Lauren.
Since we know that they are still together, if Jason doesn't change his attitude toward Lauren by the end of the season, I think I will have lost all respect for Lauren for staying with him.

1:00 PM, July 13, 2006  
Blogger kally said...

HAHA TW you always make me anticipate the rerun so bad!! I am always working while the show is on and come to read your recap which makes me so mad I missed it the first time. LOVE IT!!

1:22 PM, July 13, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cannot believe she is so insecure that she takes this crap. First on Laguna she was all puppy dog for Stephen and now she lets this piece of shit do this to her. Oh the joy of young love!

1:24 PM, July 13, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First let me just say that Tabloid Whore you rock! I love reading this shit because you make it so funny!

Second - Lauren is a total dumbass for staying with him and honestly I was getting pissed at her when I was watching. She is so stupid it's hard to feel sorry for her. She LETS Jason behave this way. He has her right where he wants her.

2:59 PM, July 13, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was sooo bummed at the way this episode actually ended. For the first time, I thought maybe Jason was normal. They were so cute when they were opening their gifts on Christmas and for one brief second I liked that SOB Jason. And then, just like Clark Kent in a telephone booth, he changes into the immature, insecure, drunk-ass that I have come to hate. For the life of me, I can not figure out what the hell Lauren sees in him She must love drama. Ugh, it is so frustrating to watch him dump all over her. He is so jealous and insecure and that is why he acts the way he does. I just want to scream through the tv and tell him to grow up!!!! When will Lauren figure it out??

4:21 PM, July 13, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yep - lost all respect for Lauren at this point. I really do hope they are not still together. Oh to be young and stupid.

8:45 PM, July 13, 2006  
Blogger Serena said...

Jason is such a douchebag. I always wonder though, the show has to be scripted for Lauren to go back to him

12:46 AM, July 14, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

love ur recap its always more entertaining than the show!

6:00 AM, July 14, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please tell me that they broke up for good. Somebody. Please.

6:20 AM, July 14, 2006  
Blogger Germany Shelley said...

Thanks for the recaps.....love them!!! I am living in Germany right now and German MTV does NOT have "The Hills," so I'm relying on you for my weekly fix! Keep 'em coming and keep 'em detailed!

8:17 AM, July 14, 2006  
Blogger kally said...

Was reading an article in a mag today where LC said she hates drama, but it always seems to follow her. Hmm maybe cuz girl doesnt do anything to keep out of it. She needs to dump Jason cuz just like anon 2:59 said...she lets him walk all over her so she really can't complain.

2:40 PM, July 14, 2006  
Anonymous VaFashionista said...

Oh TW! how I LUV your recaps! I was sooo mad @ LC! She sucks big time for letting that meat head coke snorting highschool minded freak do these things to her! She needs to get a back bone and FAST! it's so dumb to know they are still together after seeing this mess! BUT I can't wait to see the rest of the shows! :)

3:51 PM, July 14, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

TW you crack me up with your whole feeding Heidi's "poopy" joke. Anyway, if I was LC I would be pretty damn pissed at him. And that kiss was totally unromantic seeing as about 2 minutes earlier he was smoking in the limo.

7:31 PM, July 15, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too have lost respect for LC. Anyone who is that desperate (or whatever her case may be) to have a bf who treats her like shit deserves to be treated like shit bc they put up with it.
At the end of LB2 I thought she was all tough shit with Jason and then she goes right back to the bullshit. And was I hearing correctly when Jason said "You keep making mistakes Lauren?" Excuse me talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

9:42 PM, July 15, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanks for this. I missed the show and I can't seem to catch any of the reruns.

2:50 AM, July 16, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

2:50-
there is a Hills marathon on MTV tonight...

8:53 PM, July 16, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jason's birthday episode he was acting really wierd...and kept getting up to go the bathroom. This was total cokehead behavior...so I agree...those guys are so 1984-DeLorian-white lines-Robert Downey Jr-Miami Vice-coke heads...and there is no "allegedly" to it!!!! BTW love your blog!

1:59 PM, July 17, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lauren needs to grow a backbone and tell Jason to fuck off. I believe she thinks he actually loves her, but it is obvious he is just with her so he can be on her TV show! Looks like someone wants to be famous!

5:42 AM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All of you people are hilarious!!! I have to admit that I do agree if LC can't see or admit the trash she has then she deserves the trash she gets. No way in hell i WOULD EVER buy trash anything worth anything

4:37 PM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous rachel said...

what kind of dig did heidi get? b.c im looking for a new dog and i absoultly loved that one. its adorable. so does anyone know?

9:10 AM, July 25, 2006  
Blogger lauren said...

does anyone know where Heidi got her dress from this episode? I've been trying to find since I saw it.

2:56 PM, August 18, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

does anyone know the brand of dogtags that LC gave Jason? ive been trying to find the brand and i cant find it anywhere...

11:22 AM, August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

does anyone knows what the song is called that was played when Lauren and Heidi got their hair done????

2:31 AM, October 09, 2006  
Anonymous me said...

what is the song called when they're fixing they're hair???

3:04 AM, October 09, 2006  

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