TABLOID SPY: MY LUNCH WITH ALEC BALDWIN.

"Um, let's get real Tabloid Whore, I totally knew you were spying on me."

Today is a relatively slow gossip day, so you can imagine my joy when I was out to lunch and came face to face with the one and only Alec Baldwin. Of course, living in Los Angeles everyone puts on the "I didn't really see you and even if I did, I don't really give a shit who you are" look when you see a celebrity (one that TW has perfected brilliantly, thank you very much), so kids, let me tell ya, for a whole 20 mins the lovely Mr. Baldwin had no idea there was an undercover snoop sitting right across from him watching his every move. I'll refrain from naming the exact place where we had lunch as to protect Alec Baldwin and TW from the cuckoo stalkers floating around the neighborhood, but let me just tell you...yes, Baldwin and I both like to frequent a place that rhymes with the words "hiccup dicks." Although we sat at two separate tables, I was across from him while he stood at the counter and ordered his lunch while simultaneously talking on one of those big, obnoxious, cell phone headsets (ugh, you gotta love that.) As I watched him, all I kept thinking was, "gee, he is NOT as fat, angry and sweaty as i've always thought!"

I suddenly remembered I had just got a new camera cellphone on the weekend and was like, "I owe it to my peeps to sneak a picture of him! That is what a good Tabloid Whore would do!" So, I brilliantly placed the phone on the table and snapped an undercover gorilla-style photo of Baldwin, but then got so scared he'd see and come yell at me, I totally F'd up and snapped my camera closed before saving the photo. Oops. Hey, I barely know how to work the damn thing, so sorry. After that, I was too nervous to attempt another shot, I'm sorry I failed you all. Boo hoo. As Baldwin sat at a table about 10 feet away directly facing me, I was entertaining myself throughout lunch with thoughts about going up to him and saying some shit like, "gosh, I love Sean Hannity so much, what's your problem with the guy?" just to see his reaction, but of course I didn't. Once again, my fantasy is always better than my reality. I really wanted to ask him about how he claimed Kim Basinger brainwashed their daughter against him with chocolate or even talk to him about the awesome job he did on Nip/Tuck...but I didn't. I know, I know, I let you down again. I suddenly felt guilty about spying on the guy and invading his privacy when all he was trying to do was have a simple lunch out alone. What can I say? My conscious got the best of me. Maybe I'm not really cut out to be a tabloid spy after all. Plus, he seemed really nice smiling at the lady who delivered his food and I'm a sucker for that. Ahh, just another day living in L.A.....