Tabloid Whore!



Alright, here we go with the latest recap of The Hills. Let's hope no computer spazzes get in the way this week! The episode begins with Lauren and Heidi lounging by the pool and Lauren confessing to Heidi that part of her wants to tell Brody that she thinks they should "just be friends" because that bastard Jason just "broke her" with all his bullcrap. Jerk. Then Heidi brings it back to being "all about Heidi" and starts talking about that ass clown Spencer and how the two of them are "more secure in their relationship" now. Yeah, I'm sure that made Lauren feel real good and hello, someone has not been watching season 2 of The Hills like the rest of us. Heidi then tells Lauren she is going to meet up with Audrina later - dun, dun, dun! Alone! For some reason, Heidi seems to have a change of heart and starts saying all this junk about how she and Audrina used to be friends, it's ridiculous that they aren't now and adds, "C'mon? What are we in high school?" Lauren then smothers her with compliments about how proud she is of Heidi, how mature she is and tells her "little Heidi is growing up." Oh Barf. I'm still confused about what caused Heidi's change of heart and will only be satisfied if the girls team up against Spencer once Audrina spills that he actively tries to get in her pants. Yeah, won't happen.

Next we are back at Bolthouse Productions and until I saw his face and funny little haircut, didn't realize how much I missed seeing that Brent Bolthouse. Heidi gets summoned to Brent's office and asks him if she can have a couple days off to go visit her mom for her birthday. When she's talking to Brent, all of a sudden we see the face of this blond guy Max who also works in the office doing a total double take when he sees Heidi's outfit. She's wearing a white sun dress that was just darling, but lemme tell you, had like 2 little triangles with a wide space between them covering up her boobies and then the rest of the top was just straps. Very skimpy and even I, who my friends know has been guilty many a time of wearing strappy tank tops to work in the summer, raised the proverbial eyebrow at Heidi's ensemble (trust me, that says a lot). So after talking to Brent Bolthouse Heidi sits back at her desk and her phone rings. It's Max calling (who by the way is very cute, I hope he isn't gay) and he says the following to her: "Just giving you a little heads up...the dress code thing, I got a little chewed out by Jen today, I mean you look great and all, but I don't know if it's appropriate for office wear." Heidi does not look pleased at his statement an just tells him, "hmm...I'll talk to Brent about it" while Mr. "I butt my nose into other's people's business" Max gets a sly grin on his face because he just inadvertently told the girl from The Hills on camera that she looked hoochie. Ha! Loves it.

Over at Teen Vogue, Lauren and darling Whitney are taking photos of clothes when Whitney asks Lauren how her date went with Brody, The Prince of Malibu. Lauren blushes and confesses to Whitney that "maybe" Brody kissed her, but says she doesn't kiss and tell. Of course she can't hold it that long and spills to her the deats that yes, he is a good kisser. Yuck. Who cares.

Sadly, we next see Spencer and his tired, lying ass as he is having lunch with Heidi. She is telling him all about Max's comments about Heidi's inappropriate work outfit and says that when she went in and asked Brent Bolthouse about her two triangles, he had no problem with it. What a surprise. Then Spencer tries to be all machismo and throws out, "well, gee, I can't wait to see that little Max up in da club and tell him his outfit is inappropriate and that he needs to leave." Oh you are sooo tough Spencer! Heidi then tells Spencer she is going to have dinner with Audrina that night and Spencer almost chokes on his water again just like he did when Heidi told him she might be pregnant. He is so bad at hiding his guilt, it really is written all over his face in the expressions he makes! Spencer then goes into high gear trying to cover his ass and goes on to tell Heidi that Audrina must have some ulterior motive to want to try and be friends. He says that Audrina sees how great the two of them are together, how happy he is and she wants to "snipe it out" with some "girl stuff." Then he tries to drop the subject with "No drama now, can we have a good conversation about how good you look, how pretty your outfit is, how happy I am to be with you.....blah, blah, blah?" God, I hate this guy! he is such a freakin' sleaze and I can't believe Heidi doesn't see that just listening to the creepy tone of his voice! Yuck!

SO, just as Spencer and Heidi are about to leave, cute Max walks into the restaurant!!!!!! Heidi just wants to leave, but Spencer has to make big for the cameras and gets all up in Max's face telling him, "Don't comment on how Heidi dresses! We all, everybody I hang out with lovvves how she dresses!" Then, when Max tries to say something, Spencer goes, "ehhhhh! wait! your an intern bro!" and Max fires back, "um, I'm not an intern, sir!" (I am sooo loving Max's whole condescending "sir" thing) and so Spencer then feels the need to argue with him about what his position at the company is saying, "your an assistant to my boy, Diamond...listen, Heidi dresses cute every day and your not the boss!" Cute Max is like, "whatever dude" and as he tries to get past him and leave his ass in the dust, he places his hand on Spencer's shoulder. Because of this, dickass Spencer gets all huffy puffy, shoves Max and starts up with the whole "don't touch me bro! That's assault." Then, Max calls him a tool and starts to walk away from Spencer's tired ass. At this point Heidi is begging Spencer to stop embarrassing her but he just keeps going. As Max is trying to cross the street, Spencer gets up in his face again and says, "You're gonna call me a tool?! C'mon, I'm gonna beat your ass, lets go! Do you have any idea what I'm going to do to you homeboy? Do you think you can call me a tool in L.A.? I'm going to wear you out!" Bahahaha! You know when you witness things and you get embarrassed for other people making fools of themselves? That is how I feel about Spencer right now, although I am secretly loving it. So after Spencer's whole "I own L.A." deal, Max looks at him like, "WTF are you talking about?" and says, "In L.A.? I grew up in L.A!" Spencer then tells him "I never seen you!" Oh, okay. So if Spencer has never seen you it means you're not from L.A.? Hey Spencer, I grew up in L.A. too and also think you are a tool! Jackass! At this point, Max is then like sooo over Spencer and his made up duh-rahma, so he does the greatest thing and just looks at Spencer, shakes his finger back in forth in Spencer's face and says, "please, please, I don't care about this fight" and walks away. Gosh that Max is cute, not to mention is taller than Spencer, dresses better and also has better hair. As Max is walking away, Spencer then yells out the line of all lines to Max, "yeah! I'll see ya at da club!!" Oh. My. God. I'm sooooo embarrassed for him, seriously, but also take great pleasure in the fact that he made a fool of himself in front of millions. Mwahahaha! Max? Call me. ;)

After that whole annoying ruckus, it;s time for Audrina and Heidi to have dinner. I'm shocked that Spencer didn't tag along. Heidi tells Audrina that she was annoyed that Audrina showed up at her little birthday party uninvited and also mentions the night that she showed up at "da club" with him. When Heidi makes a comment about Audrina previously hooking up with Spencer, Audrina looks horrified and tells her, "Ew! Hooking up with Spencer??? He is not my type, at all!" Audrina then tells Heidi how Spencer would come up to her on the dancefloor and grab her to make it look like they were together to get Heidi jealous, but that information goes in one ear and out the other with Heidi. She tells Audrina how tired she is of people coming up to her telling her "watch out for Spencer" and that she wants to decide for herself if he is a good guy. Oh Heidi. Then Audrina drops a bombshell and asks Heidi if she was with Spencer "two or three Saturday's ago." After Heidi pulls out her trusty little day planner and confirms this, Audrina tells her that Spencer called her, but she never called him back. Heidi seemed slightly disturbed by this admission and later tells it to Lauren. Lauren tells her that she doesn't completely trust Spencer, but she trusts that he likes her. Oh c'mon Lauren! Spencer likes one thing and that's the cameras! When Lauren asks Heidi who does she trust more, Audrina or that tool Spencer, Heidi tells her she doesn't know.

The next day, Heidi is packing for her trip to go see her mom and tells Lauren that if she goes out that night to da club, she has to spy on Spencer's ass for her in case he does anything shady. Next, the camera's are at Brody Jenner's condo filming a conversation between him and Spencer. When Brody asks Spencer who was going to be at da club that night (enough already!) Spencer tells him Heidi is out of town and that "he's got the playmates rolling over." Okay, I thought that was just one of his piggish jokes, but next thing you know, a buddy of his walks in the door with a bunch a bleached blond, big titty chicks. The Playmates have arrived and at this point, Spencer can barely keep his penis in his pants.

Back at Lauren & Heidi's we learn that Heidi has missed her flight to go visit her mom and is now planning on going to AREA with the girls to spy on Spencer. This my friends, is going to be beautiful. But first, who thinks Heidi missed that flight on purpose? Uhhh-huhhh, girl. Everyone shows up at da club and Spencer is hanging all over the Playboy Playmates, talking about "naked picnics" and how he has to be invited to one for realz. Then he starts telling the girls how he would go to Vegas that night and get married to them and again, how excited he is for the naked picnic. He makes sure to add that "he will bring the lunch." Yuck. Next thing you know, Heidi arrives and is asked by her friend working the door, "why is Spencer with two blond whores? Some sluts!" Heidi starts to fuh-reak out and is on a mission to find Spencer. Oh goodie! They walk in and when they find their little gang yell, "Spencer! Surprise! Tee Hee!" and Spencer tries to play off the fact that he was being a dog by acting happy to see Heidi. Then, he totally pulls a bad move by accusing her of "having a little plan and being the sneakiest girl in town" because she caught him in da club with the Playmates. Shockingly, Brody Jenner now looks like the good guy here telling Lauren that her showing up made his night. Now I realize why Brody hangs around a guy like Spencer, he makes him look 1,000 times better! Next thing you know, Heidi is telling Lauren she is getting the hell out of there and starts to storm off. She also tells Lauren that one of the girls in the blond crew told her that Spencer was trying to hit on every girl around him that night. Huh. I wonder if she learned about the naked picnic too? All while this drama is going on, Spencer is still trying to hook up with the Playboy chick telling her what a shame it was that he didn't meet her until tonight. When Spencer looks like he is about to leave with the blond chick, Heidi goes up to him and starts telling him what she heard and then when he starts to give his usual nonsensical ramble, she gives up and walks away from him saying, "I don't care, It's fine." Plus, all while this is going on, that pig Spencer has this drugged up, drunked up smirk across his face. Ew. He is so dirty.

Heidi and Lauren take off and in the next scene, Lauren is on the phone with Spencer reaming him for showing up with 3 Playmates. While this is happening, Heidi is lying on the couch moaning, "It's fine! I'm over you! I'm over you!" Good Lord Heidi, so freakin' dramatic over a guy who is probably in the closet. Lauren then tells Spencer that Heidi was crying so hard she had to pick up her phone for her just like she had to "pick up her best friend and carry her up the stairs!" Oh dear. Seriously, all this drama over a tool, can you believe it? After the phonecall, Lauren and Heidi have a "touching scene between friends," with Heidi lying on the couch wrapped in Lauren's arms. Heidi confesses "I was really falling in love with him" and Lauren tells her not to fall in love with anyone there because they are too young. Awww. As the girls cuddle on the couch, the scene cuts and the episode concludes with that pig Spencer leaving da club with the Playboy playmates, ready to spread the std's he may allegedly have all over Hugh Hefner's mansion.

If you missed this episode of The Hills, you can watch it in it's entirety at


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I LUV spencer. This guy is cracking me up. Is he for real?
This season is SOO much better. I have been laughing so hard at the drama and how stupid can these chicks be!

11:43 AM, February 06, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Good Lord Heidi, so freakin' dramatic over a guy who is probably in the closet."

I have been thinking this since day one. Lovin it Tabloid Whore, you have the best recaps. You take the thoughts right out of my head!!

12:02 PM, February 06, 2007  
Blogger LVGurl said...

Good gracious, you can see Audrina's fake boob crease in that picture above :(

12:18 PM, February 06, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

just wanna give props for the recaps...always cracks me up...and out loud...that's right totally LOL. funnier and better than wasting my 30minutes on a monday night nonetheless.

6:28 PM, February 06, 2007  
Blogger Alexandra said...

Great recaps, they're so funny! Love'em.

6:40 AM, February 07, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL omg that was a hilarious recap...I laughed out loud at the whole "da club" thing for like 5 minutes. Spencer is such a tool it's unbelievable

10:43 AM, February 07, 2007  
Anonymous Cait said...

Ew, I once dated a Spencer and he pulled the same thing. He's probably in the closet too, come to think of it.
Love the recaps. Half of me hates them, half of me wants to be them.
Also, I thought Max did a cool think by calling her up about her outfit. That dress was definitely not work attire, and he did it politely by calling her. He even told her that he thought she looked good! I swear, if Heidi does not end up with cute Max...

10:23 PM, February 07, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't get heidi's appeal. she looks like your common skank - well at least the skank around pittsburgh!

LUV the recaps...have to agree with the commenter above, better than staying up for it. (i wake up way too early for work :( )


10:12 AM, February 08, 2007  

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