Tabloid Whore!



Image via Lauren Conrad Online

This week's episode begins with new buddies Audrina and Lauren making food and talking again about Spencer and Heidi. Audrina is shocked to hear that the two of them already say "I love you" and thinks that Heidi is making the same stupid mistake she did with Jordan. Lauren is upset because Heidi now only spends about 2 days a month at their apartment and she basically has to reserve a "Lauren and Heidi" day with her when, as Lauren puts it, "every day used to be a Lauren and Heidi day." Oh tears.

Next up, Heidi and two-toned Jen are shopping on Robertson, which is weird because two-toned Jen is supposed to be Lauren's friend. Huh. Two two-toned Jen is kissing so much Heidi ass, her face is even browner than usual. As the girls are shopping, two-toned Jen asks Heidi if she thinks Lauren will be mad if she hangs out with her and Spencer. Heidi tells two-toned Jen that in no uncertain terms Lauren does not control her life and two-toned Jen is like, "oh yeah, yeah, Heidi, Lauren does not control my life! I control my life!" Then she's like, "oh can we please go out on a double date?" and the bitch ass has the nerve to ask Heidi to fix her up with Brody Jenner! Lets not forget that Lauren had been seeing camera whore Brody off and on. Two-toned Jen is such a freakin' Lauren wanna be, she makes me ill. She then feigns concern that Lauren might be upset with her about the situation and ultimately decides that hooking up with Brody is more important than her friendship with Lauren.

Over at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney are chatting and Lauren announces that it's two-toned Jen's 21st birthday. Lauren says she is so excited to celebrate it because they have been best friends since the 3rd grade. Okay, hold up. Who ever knew these two were best friends? I thought Lo was her BFF during the Laguna Beach years and then came along ding-bat Heidi? Oh well, so much for that BFF cuz two-toned Jen is already trying to dopplegang Lauren and steal her man! Lauren mentions that they are all going out to dinner and sticks her tongue out with disgust when mentioning that two-toned Jen invited Spencer. She then adds, "the only thing good about when Spencer goes is that he brings Brody." Uh oh.

UGH. Next cap-toothed Spencer and Brody are driving along in Brody's car as Spencer is talking about "Star Tours." Last week, reader lvgurl pointed out that Spencer sounded like a "poor man's Matthew McConnaughey" You nailed it lvgurl, but I passed your message on to Matthew and he was extremely offended at the comparison. Anyway, after Spencer says how he thinks he would have an excellent career doing Star Maps (don't give up the dream buddy, your time may come soon), he mentions to Brody how every time he sees a cute girl his brain automatically goes to hit on her, but he then has to hit himself in the head to remind himself he has a girlfriend. What a douche. Then Spencer starts telling Brody since he has a bitch, Brody must now find a bitch so they can double date. Spencer then mentions two-toned Jen's birthday party and Brody says how much he likes her and thinks she is a "cutie pie." I'm sorry, but who the hellz has he been looking at? Spencer tells Brody that he should "mack two-toned Jen" and then makes some weird comment like, "that's how you gotta get in the back door." Huh?! And with that, the boys drive off with a chuckle.

That night, all the girls hit the town for two-toned Jen's 21st birthday dinner at Geisha House. Lauren makes a lovely toast for the birthday girl where she says all these nice things about TTJ (sorry I'm tired of writing the whole thing out) being one of her oldest friends in the world, someone who has always been there for her and also thanks her for a decade of friendship. TTJ of course has to try and top Lauren with her stupid little comments she has been torturing us with since her occasional appearances on Laguna Beach and adds, "No, see, there is friends and then there is best friends, such a different thing." Uh, yeah, thanks for the words of wisdom TTJ. Then Lauren and Heidi give her their birthday present which is a silver bracelet with a diamond martini glass charm. TTJ cannot believe that Lauren gave her real diamonds and Lauren's like "Um, hello ... I'm not going to give you fake diamonds on your birthday!" TTJ, who in addition to trying to steal her "best friends" crush, cannot seem to grasp this concept because she obviously does all her birthday gift shopping at Charlotte Russe. After that, the girls exchange love and hugs all around. Lauren then mentions how excited she is to go to Les Deux later and that she feels like it's going to be a good night. TTJ, being the sneaky, slimy, snake who was just given a bracelet with diamonds, leans over and asks Heidi if Brody is going to be at Les Deux. When she finds out that Brody will be at Les Deux, TTJ cannot hide her glee and says to Heidi, "Too bad he hooked up with my best friend, but oh well!" As this is going on, it's unclear if Lauren can hear what they are talking about or is just innocently staring into space while her 'best friends' are stabbing her in the back. Heidi and TTJ decide to run to the bathroom and as the two of them are in a stall probably doing coke, Heidi tells TTJ, "He loves you, loves you, loves you! He wants macking asap!" TTJ then says something like, "oh my god. really, like when? like last week? like a long, long, time ago? oh my god, can I blow him too?" Okay, maybe I embellished that last line, but you know she was thinking that. After that whole nonsense, the two of them cheer together and have a round of "happy freakin' birthday!" chants in the bathroom stall. Bitches.

It's off to Les Deux and all it is is a bunch of hollering and Heidi's loud mouth screaming "Happy Birthday Jen!" and crap like that inside the club. Brody is hanging out with everyone and TTJ starts snuggling up with him for pictures. Spencer is like, "yeah, dude! that picture is going up on MySpace!" What a freakin' tool. Then this really weird moment happens when TTJ starts to worry about her "potential" hook up with Brody and starts telling him how she is worried Lauren will be mad at her. Brody doesn't understand what TTJ is talking about and when he asks her to explain what she means, TTJ, assuming way to much in my opinion, says, "you." At that point, Brody seems to realize he is talking to a crazy chick and gets up to walk away saying, "that is drama I don't want to deal with." TTJ starts yelling after him, "It's not drama! It's not drama!!!" Ha, ha TTJ. Later that night after more annoying birthday commotion, TTJ ends up next to Brody, Spencer and Heidi. TTJ suddenly blurts out, "let's go to Brody's condo! weee!" The four of them take off from the party without saying goodbye to Lauren. The saddest part of it is that all this happened while Lauren was looking for TTJ and telling Audrina she couldn't leave the club without her. TTJ on the otherhand was probably just worried about how quickly she could get Brody's pants off.

The next day over at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney have the daunting task of arranging flowers on a table. As Lauren is trying her best not to have flashbacks of intern Emily Perfect, she tells Whitney how TTJ called her up the night before and asked her if she would mind if she hooked up with Brody. At the near mention of this, Whitney was completely shocked by the audacity of TTJ and of course, supported Lauren. Lauren said that TTJ tried to blame her wanting to hook up with Brody on Spencer pushing for them to hook up. Huh, so much for TTJ controlling her own life. Lauren wonders out loud if it is really worth "screwing over a friend" for "that guy." No Lauren, but TTJ is still a bitch and you should dump her.

The next day, Audrina is at work and she is blabbing all the TTJ/Brody/Lauren gossip to some intern who will probably go out and sell the story to The Enquirer. Audrina lets it be known that TTJ and Brody did hook up and both girls agree that Heidi and Jen are both shitty friends. Audrina thinks that Spencer is brainwashing everyone and can't believe how royally f&*k'd-over Lauren is getting by her supposed "best friends." Lauren is still at Teen Vogue and as she continues to complain to Whitney about her crappy friends, TTJ calls her! TTJ must have been on the other end of the line blabbing more of her stupid excuses and Lauren tells her, "TTJ, you and Heidi both act like you did nothing wrong. You did a really cut-throat thing and so did Heidi, so you both need to stop putting it on each other and stop make it seem like I'm making drama. I would expect it from someone I didn't know, but not my oldest friend." Booyah! She then tells TTJ it's really cold to take Lauren's used up meat and to stop making excuses and that she should just say she made a mistake and apologize. At this point, I am so glad we don't have to hear TTJ's annoying voice on the other end of the phone because whatever she said pissed Lauren the hell off and she says sarcastically, "You sounded super sorry. Seriously TTJ! Don't be at my apartment when I get home!" Lauren then makes a little grunting sound as she throws her blackberry on the floor. When TTJ tries to call her back, Lauren refuses to answer the phone.

Later at the Hillside Villas, Lauren is on her laptop probably reading a Tabloid Whore recap of The Hills when Heidi walks in. Right off the bat, Heidi starts trying to defend herself and lies through her teeth telling Lauren she had nothing to do with TTJ and Brody hooking up. Lauren tells Heidi that if things continue the way they have been, she doesn't want to live there anymore and they can't be friends. As the girls argue back and forth, they both agree that something has to change if they want to save their friendship. Lauren tells Heidi that she has basically become a brainwashed, pathetic, used up puppy dog since she started dating Spencer. When Heidi starts to defend him, Lauren is infuriated and starts yelling about the stuff he pulled trying to hook up Brody and Jen. She then slams down her phone and yells, "HE IS A SUCKY PERSON! HE'S A SUCKY PERSON!!" Heidi is not please that Lauren is telling the world her boyfriend sucks and as she tries to hush her, Lauren continues, "I HATE Spencer, I am never going to like Spencer! He did a really messed up thing last night! I know that he pushed and Jen Brody together!" Lauren is besides herself at this point and just can't deal with these crappy friends anymore. With tears rolling down her face, Lauren tells Heidi how she hasn't felt so betrayed by two best friends in forever and their friendship will never be the same until Heidi and Spencer break-up. AMEN.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great Recap!!
I felt soo sorry for Lauren!!! Heidi and TTJ(lol) are some backstabbing girls!! have u noticed the show is a whole lot more about heidi than it was last season??? I think this might be on purpose so she can pursue her music career with her manager/boyfriend spencer(idiot!). I wonder is she and Lauren are still friend since she never broke up with spencer....

9:42 PM, February 27, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this episode made my jaw drop. i feel empathy for lauren. that kind of sh*t is real and it sucks.

9:48 PM, February 27, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow you really have it out for TTJ. While I do find her to be annoying because she tries way too hard, I would be madder at Heidi. If you listen, when Jen originally brings up the double date idea, HEIDI is actually the one who says "Brody." It didn't seem like that from the previews but you can tell in the episode. And from then on Heidi and Spencer are relentlessly pushing this hookup. I felt that Jen was in this position of being attracted to the guy, and Lauren and him were sort of kind of dating. I really don't know that they would have hooked up without Spencer and Heidi's pushing them together. Jenn obviously felt guilty, as she should have, about the whole thing. She shouldn't have gotten with him. But she was caught in a battle over her, actually...Heidi wanted Jenn on her side, not Lauren's, since they're fighting. Heidi manipulated that whole thing and then had the nerve to say she tried to stop it, which was a flat out lie. She and Spencer are complete tools and deserve each other. ~ Stacey

10:36 PM, February 27, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lauren needs to learn how to cuss! no wonder no one takes her seriously. she needs to throw some F-bombs in there sometimes!

10:47 PM, February 27, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope Lauren listens to Whitney and takes time to analyze her friends. She should drop Heidi and Jen since they are not worthy of her. I guess Heidi really is trying to take over the show... nice! I wish I had a friend like that. I wonder if she became friends with Lauren just to be on the show. At this point it makes sense.

5:41 AM, February 28, 2007  
Blogger LVGurl said...

Ahhh, thanks for the shout! :)

I still haven't caught this week's episode. It sounds epic! I did, however, catch Engaged and Underaged, which is quickly becoming my newest guilty pleasure.

Why is Lauren giving these girls third and fourth chances? I don't get it.

My 21st birthday feels like a lifetime ago. Actually, it was a lifetime ago...

4:09 PM, February 28, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tabloid Whore, you're my new BF :)

TTJ is the worst and Heidi's lying pissed me the hell off! I wonder what is going down now that it's they get to see the episodes prior to mass production? Whitney is my girl...such a sweetie!! LUV the recaps.


6:22 PM, March 01, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heidi is such a trashy whore! She must be an IDIOT if she thinks Lauren is "coming around" - as previews for next weeks show indicate. TTJ is such a loser!! She is so pathetic and desperate to get on television. They all deserve each other!

Lauren deserves so much better!!

8:55 PM, March 02, 2007  
Blogger Kandra said...

I'm a grown woman watching this show and I am really proud of Lauren for how she dealt with that mess. I couldn't believe Heidi tried to put it on Lauren nor could I believe that trick TTJ try to ask permission as though it was acceptable! LUV the update keep em coming!

4:57 PM, March 04, 2007  
Anonymous MsNic said...

I missed that episode, but now it's like I watched it. The recap was wonderful! As far as the show goes, Heidi really is brainwashed. I think the biggest liar on the show though is Spencer.

9:41 AM, March 07, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow i wish Lauren and Lo were still BFF. :(

4:59 PM, March 07, 2007  

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