Tabloid Whore!



This week's episode starts off with Lauren, death face Heidi and Audrina (now back in their good graces) having a little girl pow wow at the Hillside Villas. They are rehashing the "Playboy girl" night for the hundredth time, while Audrina keeps reminding Heidi what a "dirt bag" Spencer is. She then lets the whole Pinkberry date slip where Spencer brought her roses the day after he gave them to Heidi. Upon hearing this news, Heidi practically falls off the couch and announces what a sin it was for ass Spencer to pull that kind of shit because she "hooked up with him that night." The girls then decide to pull out Heidi's trusty Sidekick and call the weasel up on speaker phone and confront him. If you didn't think there was anything that could happen that would make Spencer even a bigger pig, we learn from Heidi that Spencer apparently brought Audrina the same roses he gave Heidi the night before. Cheap ass. As Heidi continues to yell at Spencer about this, I keep getting thrown because she keeps calling Pinkberry, "Pinkburry." Wow. It's not that hard of a word Heidi. Anyway, Spencer tells Heidi he is just "done" defending his actions to her. At that point, Lauren warns Heidi, "oh girlfriend, don't let him flip it!" adding, "Don't ever get involved with someone who can manipulate you like that." Wishful thinking Lauren.

Next, we're in the offices of Scary Lady at Teen Vogue. Lauren and darling Whitney are having a meeting with her where she asks the girls if they will both be at work the next day. Poor Whitney gets Scary Lady's sympathy when she tells her she has to have her wisdom teeth pulled so she wont be able to come in. That's when Scary Lady tells them that they will be having some hoochie coochie, fancy pants dinner for 20 young designers in LosAngeles and some lady from Teen Vogue in NY named Jane and her intern Emily will be coming to town. The mere mention of these people make Whitney's mouth drop open and she appears to bite her tongue at the words she wants to say, while looking over at Lauren nervously. Lauren on the other hand, couldn't look more bored out of her mind during this meeting about the fancy dinner. Scary Lady tells Lauren that intern Emily will be helping her with dinner arrangements because "she has worked on events before and can help you through this." Yes, because planning a dinner is so difficult Lauren. Next the girls are given a list of the guests and told that they need to send reminder cards out. Scary Lady makes sure Whitney does the handwriting on the cards because apparently, Lauren's handwriting licks ass and does not live up to the "Teen Vogue way of doing things." After basically being told she sucks and needs and intern from NY to help her plan a dinner party, in addition to the embarrassing fact that she can't write neatly, Lauren jumps at the chance to type up a spread sheet per Scary Lady's request.

Over at Bolthouse, Heidi has all her bits and pieces covered this week as she sits at her desk pretending like she actually does something more than checking names off a clipboard at Area. Next thing you know, her cell phone rings and It's that tool Spencer calling. He starts off with his typical, "whoa! hey! look who answered their phone little lady" bullshit and asks Heidi why she hasn't been taking his calls. Heidi attempts to show modicum of professionalism after last week's inappropriate work outfit debacle and in a very hushed tone, tells Spencer she hasn't wanted to talk to his ass because he showed up to her club with Playmates. When Spencer asks Heidi why she is whispering, she basically tells him that she is at work and he is interrupting her. She also adds, "you are one big interruption in my life." The two of them then proceed to argue back and forth on whether or not Spencer cheated on Heidi and she ends up telling him that he needs to stop calling and texting her for a week so she can "clear her head of Playmates running around all over." Sadly, Heidi doesn't realize that it's rocks rattling all in her head and instead blames it all on the poor Playmates. Spencer is totally pissed that Heidi doesn't want to talk to him and tries to emotionally threaten her by saying "I know what I want, I want Heidi. You take a week, let's see if I'm here to call!" Oooooh no Spencer!

Back over at Teen Vogue, we see the arrival of intern Emily as she walks into the offices and plops her shiny gold purse down at an absent Lauren's desk. Soon after, Lauren walks in and as she sits down at her chair, touches the purse and gives a total "WTF is this gaudy gold purse doing at my desk?" look. Next thing you know, Emily turns the corner and greets Lauren with her perfect long, shiny hair and perfect sparkling smile. By the look on Lauren's face, either she is extremely hung over or she already hates Emily (who, from this point on, can no longer be referred to anything else here but "Emily Perfect"). Right out of the gate, Emily Perfect starts telling Lauren all the things they have to do for the dinner party and let me tell you, even I was annoyed. Here this girl is, telling Lauren they have to go to the florist and that Lauren needs to start doing "Map Questing," I mean, c'mon ... doesn't she know the first thing you do when you walk into work is not "Map Quest," but instead, go get Starbucks?? Emily Perfect is nowhere as fun as Whitney. Then, she put the final "first impression nail in the coffin" with Lauren when she brings up working on those stinking "reminder cards" for the dinner party. At this point, Lauren is forced to shamefully tell her that she has been forbidden by scary lady to write on any invitations because her penmanship is so poor and the last time she did, scary lady threw them in the trash. Emily Perfect creates an awkward silence when she doesn't respond to the whole trash fiasco and appears to be very embarrassed for Lauren at this point.

The girls head on over to the florist and Emily Perfect is still talking non-stop in the car about all the things they have to do for the dinner party. Lauren still looks incredibly bored and sooo over Emily Perfect, not to mention, probably offended that Emily Perfect would rather talk about Chinoiserie vases instead of asking Lauren if Jason was really as bad as a boyfriend in real life as he was on TV. After Emily Perfect has to explain to Lauren what Chinoiserie means, Lauren tries to change the subject by asking her if she goes to school. Thinking taking classes at FIDM will give her one up on Emily Perfect, Lauren's dreams are quickly shattered when Emily Perfect informs her that she attends NYU, takes 18 credits 2 days a week, works at Teen Vogue the other 2 days and tops the week off by working one day at Chanel. Bitch. If that wasn't bad enough, once they get to the flower shop, Emily Perfect impresses the florist by knowing the name of every single flower in the freakin' flower shop, while poor Lauren is the one struggling to work her digital camera.

Next, we get a break as Lauren, Heidi and two-toned Jen are out having a booze filled "singles night out" together at Luna Park. After all the girls talk about how the thought of love wants to make them throw up, Lauren says the only time she misses having a boyfriend is when 1) She has to put something together 2) When she has to pick a TV out 3) Do car stuff or 4) When she has a lot of groceries. Finally, Lauren is speaking some words of wisdom. Heidi then informs the girls that Spencer has not stopped calling and texting her, but they must stop talking about him because it's just ruining their night!

The next day, Lauren visits Whitney who is recovering at her parents house after getting her wisdom teeth removed. Okay, let me just tell you, Whitney's parents have bank folks (and would we want anything less for our dear Whitney?). After learning that Whitney got a case of the "dry sockets," after having her wisdom teeth removed, Lauren starts blabbing about Emily Perfect and how much she hates her but loves Whitney.

Back over at Bolthouse, Heidi has to be all drama and pull some blond girl (sorry, they all look the same to me at that place) she works with outside so she can boo-hoo over Spencer. When Heidi starts to tell blond girl that she really misses Spencer, blond girl gives her that look you give your friends when you know they are being idiots over boys and says, "Um, how can you miss someone that does that to you?" As an excuse for being a dumb ass, Heidi then says the line you give when you have a horrible boyfriend and tells blond girl, "you don't choose who you love." God help me. She then tells her how Spencer keeps calling and is begging her to give him a chance to be her boyfriend before the cameras go away forver. Okay, maybe I added that last part about the cameras, but you know it's what he's thinking. At this point, blond girl knows Heidi is beyond repair, so instead of wasting her breath, tells Heidi she has to do what she wants to do and leaves it at that.

It is now the night of the big Teen Vogue dinner party and Lauren, Whitney and Emily Perfect are putting the finishing touches on setting the dinner table. Emily Perfect has all her Peony flowers in their Chinoiserie vases perfectly lined up going down the table. Lauren makes a comment that she thinks there are too many flowers, which Emily Perfect chooses to ignore. Then the moment of truth arrives when Scary Lady and Jane walk in the door and examine the set up. Scary Lady practically pulls out a white glove to inspect the table and as storm clouds part from the sky, announces, "I think there's too many flowers!!" For the first time in the entire episode, Lauren gets a HUGE smile on her face, a rainbow comes through the sky and Emily Perfect gets a startled and confused look on her face as to ask, "What in the hell just happened here???!"

After that, there is an awkward moment with Lauren and Whitney because they are standing around in their little black dresses, but now that the table is set, they aren't sure what to do with themselves. The assure each other that Scary Lady probably wants them to stay for the dinner because she had them go change and why would she go have them change if she didn't want them to stay? Scary Lady then announces that one of the guests will not be making it to the dinner, which means there will be an open place at the table for someone. Without blinking, she tells Emily to "take a seat at the table" and also tells her to "show the other girls (aka Lauren and Whitney) out." At this point, the look of disgust Lauren had on her face after getting the shaft from Scary Lady has won her the prize for most expressive face during an episode yet. The girls leave the dinner and end up eating burgers in their car, hoping it's the last they will ever see of Emily Perfect.

The episode closes as we see Heidi walking out of her apartment all glammed up, wearing a short little black dress. The music floating over the scene has the lyrics "help I have done it again," and next thing you know, we see Spencer's car waiting for her outside. When Heidi opens up the car door and climbs in, Spencer gives her a "hello beautiful" and at this point, a collective eye roll unites fans of The Hills everywhere.
Photos source: Lauren Conrad Online


Blogger Poppy Cede said...

Is it just my TV that is recording NEW episodes of The Hills on Mondays at 4:30, then again at 10:30? Why is MTV doing their first run of the show at 4:30 in the afternoon??? That's happened twice now!

6:56 AM, February 14, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

actually, i was bringing in my heavy groceries yesterday (sans a bf) and the wise and thoughtful words of ms. lauren conrad played through my mind.

damn being single.

7:54 AM, February 14, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi from Australia, we have not seen the 2nd series but I dont need to you recaps are better than the show!!!!

11:33 AM, February 14, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

poppy cede....yeah, MTV is doing that sometimes, i've noticed they did that will The Hills, and I think that engaged and underage show's kind of weird.

I'm so over the Spencer drama....homeboy is so skeezy, I wouldn't give him 2 seconds of my time. If he was hot I could maybe understand Heidi's nonsense, but he's so fug!

11:35 AM, February 14, 2007  
Anonymous The Aitch said...

God you rock at these recaps!

6:30 PM, February 14, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can anyone tell me what that guy meant when he called Spencer a "tool"? Thanks!

8:51 AM, February 15, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're freaking hilarious! Can I hire you to do commentating during these shows? That would make it worth watching. Thanks because I'm at work, which sucks, and you just made me laugh.

10:56 AM, February 15, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My definition of tool: Someone who thinks they are infinitely cooler than they would actually be in the "real" world. [Note quote marks - not to be confused with MTV "Real World" which is an excellent hunting ground for tools.] They spend enormous amounts of time talking about how cool they are, name dropping, showing how cool the stuff they have is - cars, etc. Most importantly this is all done in a slightly condescending way to "highlight" just how non-cool everyone else is. I.E. Spencer! (Does that help?)

6:41 PM, February 16, 2007  
Blogger scfox said...

the best recap ever. i can not wait to see what you spin with the next episode. fabulous.

3:56 PM, February 19, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fantastic!! I will be back next week.

8:18 AM, February 20, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Didn't everyone realize what a psychopath Spencer was when he nearly picked a physical fight with that guy at the restaurant (the one from Heidi's office) a few weeks ago? Ultimate loser, that guy.

11:07 AM, February 23, 2007  

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