Tabloid Whore!



"Lauren, I might be pregnant."

This week's sunny episode of The Hills begins with Heidi and Lauren having a heart to heart and Heidi breaking the news to Lauren that she might be pregnant. When Lauren asks her why she didn't say anything to her about it before, Heidi tells her it was just too "hard and scary" to talk about (but please forget the fact that she didn't mind having the cameras document the incident) *snicker.* From Heidi's calm reaction, it looks like she is not pregnant. Phew! Could you imagine Heidi with a baby? Just like she called Bella her puppy from last season a "poopie," Heidi would probably be running around calling her baby a "boobie." Next, Heidi rings up that jackass boyfriend Spencer and in a very serious tone, tells him she needs to talk to him. She then asks if he can meet her in "the back alley" of Bolthouse. Oh the irony.

Over at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney are summoned once again to scary lady Lisa Love's quarters where she tells the girls that they will be working some Ashley Paige fashion show the next day. Whitney chimes in that she has school but will do her best to rush over to the fashion show as soon as she can make it. If this was Lauren telling scary lady this, I would have been afraid for the poor girl. First she doesn't go to Paris and then would be late to work a fashion show? Fortunately, darling Whitney who will forever be in scary lady's good graces now because she chose Paris, gets off with an approving smile from scary lady who adds, "school is very important, Whitney!" Scary lady's joy for the girl that is "Whitney" quickly fades when she realizes that the girl "who will always be known as the girl who didn't go to Paris" (aka: Lauren) will now be her only hope for assistance at the fashion show. Scary lady basically tells Lauren that she better not F*ck this one up and she is counting on her. Lauren now has a terrified look on her face from all the pressure, but probably thinks maybe this is her way to get back into mama scary lady's good graces. We can only hope.

After that, Spencer pulls up and meets Heidi in the back alley of the Bolthouse offices. Heidi gets in the car and that rat bastard Spencer gives her this whole "Well hello dear! What is with the whole serious aura?" line. Dumb f*ck. You can tell Spencer is thinking that Heidi is upset about the whole Audrina situation and that all he has to do is Rico Suave his way out of it. Little did he know that Heidi was about to set off a freakin' bomb on his ass. Sitting in the car, Heidi starts to say, "well I've been feeling really sick and really nauseous and I've never really felt like this before, so I'm just kind of worried..." Suddenly, and in the best moment yet of season 2, every last bit of color drains from Spencer's face and his smarmy wise ass smile also takes a licking. Upon hearing the news that Heidi might be preggers with their boobie, Spencer desperately reaches for his water bottle and starts gulping it down. Instead of telling him right away if she was indeed pregnant or not, Heidi goes into this whole monologue about how she doesn't know how Spencer feels about her, she "gets" that he likes her and blah, blah, blah. I must admit, love that she is now making that bastard Spencer squirm. Spencer then totally lies to Heidi and says some shit like, "I more than like you Heidi..way more" (Translation: "Heidi, I like the cameras and all the tail I'm going to get once this airs and I become a reality star). When Heidi asks him what they would do if she was knocked up, Spencer tells her he can't tell her what to do with her body, but that he is on "Team Heidi." Hey, I thought last week he told Audrina he was on "Team Audrina?" Aside from that, I can't believe a dude is using the whole, tired "team" lingo. Anyway, after that whole drama, Heidi finally tells Spencer that she took a pregnancy test and she's not pregnant. Spencer gets totally pissed off that Heidi just played him in the car and tells her "I'm a little bit irritated that you just had me thinking you were pregnant for a second there" and Heidi more or less says, "tough shit buddy, that is how I've been feeling the past couple days .. now it was your chance to be scared!" After that, the two of them get into some lame ass, kissy, kissy conversation and suddenly, all is good between them. Heidi ends up going back to work and Spencer drives off to change his underwear.

"Woo! Lauren! No boobie on the way!"

The next morning Heidi and Lauren are in the kitchen drinking tea and Heidi tells Lauren, "I have a brilliant idea. I think you should go out on a date with Spencer's friend Brody Jenner!" Lauren then shoots back, "Heidi!!! He's been touched by Kristin, he's like tainted!!!" Badum-bum! Heidi goes on to tell Lauren that Brody had been asking about her and even told her he "had a little crush on her." So Lauren, not wanting to get anywhere Kristin's "taint," tells Heidi that she will take a raincheck on Mr. Jenner. Unfortunately, it's too late for that because Heidi gave the dude Lauren's number and told her to expect his call. Whoopdifreakindoo.

Next up, Lauren heads over to Ashley Paige to work the fashion show. The minute she walks in the door, some rude blonde chick (oh! I guess that's Ashley Paige!) points at Lauren and asks, "Do you know how to answer phones???!!" and then tells her to sit her ass down at the desk and "just say studio." THEN, as she is stomping around, Ashley Paige is all bitchy saying, "Interns never know how to answer phones! It's ridiculous!" Then she starts telling Lauren to dig wax out of some freakin' "green money magic candle" from across the street and make it work because they need money. WTF? How about trying this honey, don't be a bitch to the rich intern that could buy your stupid ass clothes and give you more money?? Seriously, I'm totally turned off by this Ashley Paige and will never buy her stuff after seeing this--and trust me, I like to shop. As poor Lauren is struggling to get the magic candle lit, Ashley Paige is running around ranting and yelling at the models lying on the couch, "Models are relaxing??! Oh, it must be nice, being so gorgeous you don't have to work! Us ugly people gotta bust our ass!!" Um, that's right honey. Miraculously, Lauren gets the magic candle lit and is now in Ashley's good graces. Good Lord, and all along I thought scary lady was bad.

After that, we have the pleasure of seeing Spencer call up Audrina and say to her that she's "his favorite person in the world." When he tries to get Audrina to go to dinner with him, girlfriend finally tells him she doesn't want to hang out with him because of the "beef" with Heidi. When Spencer tries to feed Audrina more of his BS on why Heidi is wrong and Audrina is right, Audrina is just like, "laters dude!" and hangs up on his sorry ass. Right on Audrina.

Back to the fashion show, Ashley Paige is still running around yelling like a madwoman. In between getting orders barked at her, Lauren's phone rings and it's the Prince of Malibu, Kristin Cavallari's hand me downs, Mr. Brody Jenner. Why Lauren answered her phone in the middle of all this fashion chaos is beyond me, but I doubt Ashley would be pleased. Lauren, knee deep in guarding a magic flower umbrella for Ashley tells Brody that she is too busy to talk and so Brody says he'll just stalk, I mean talk to her later. These two are riveting I tell ya. Thankfully, and I'm sure to the magic green candle, the Ashley Paige fashion show goes off without a hitch. Ashley Paige must have come out of her "fashion show cloud" and realized that this whole time cameras were filming her because she all of a sudden she starts kissing Lauren's ass telling her what a great job she did and that she wants to "steal her away from Lisa." Yeah, no one can clean a candle wick like L.C.

Next, Heidi and Lauren are back at their apartment and Lauren's cell phone rings. Heidi runs to answer it and when she sees it's Brody calling again, she answers the phone saying, "Heidi's dating service!" Ugh. Lame. She then proceeds to giggle and tell Brody she is trying to "hook him up." Yeah, maybe hook him up, but she doesn't seem to mind she's pushing Kristin Cavallari's leftover, tainted love on Lauren. Lauren is finally able to get the phone away from Heidi and she and Brody make a date for the following night. Oh I can hardly wait.

Later over at Teen Vogue, scary lady calls Lauren into her office and praises her for the wonderful work she did on the Ashley Paige fashion show. Apparently Ashley told scary lady that she was very pleased with Lauren's work and so now, Lauren is back in scary lady's good graces. Thank heavens for small miracles.

Now that Lauren is off of the shit list at Teen Vogue, she is all set to get ready for her date with the Prince of Malibu. We learn that this is her very first date since her break-up with Jason. I will say, even though he has already been used up by Kristin, the fact alone that Brody can say more than "ugh, duh, wha, huh?" scores him big points over Jason. Let's just hope he's not a cokehead. The kids end up going to dinner and of course, Brody and Lauren are all cutesy, first date flirty together. A little bit of first date weirdness also occurs when the two spend an uncomfortable amount of time arguing back and forth on whether or not Lauren's smile is pretty or creepy. The date rest of the date seems to go well and the episode concludes with Brody driving Lauren home, kissing her on the hand and hugging her goodnight. Unlike Spencer, dude totally did not try to git sum.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It dawned on me last episode, "where is the poopie?" I'm worried about the poopie. I hope the poopie is okay and safe with people who know how to take care of poopies.

7:41 AM, January 24, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

TW, I love your recaps!! But did you forget about the part when that loser calls Audrina and asks her out??

7:42 AM, January 24, 2007  
Blogger Tabloid Whore! said...

anon 7:42- :) You doubt me! ;):

After that, we have the pleasure of seeing Spencer call up Audrina and say to her that she's "his favorite person in the world." When he tries to get Audrina to go to dinner with him, girlfriend finally tells him she doesn't want to hang out with him because of the "beef" with Heidi. When Spencer tries to feed Audrina more of his BS on why Heidi is wrong and Audrina is right, Audrina is just like, "laters dude!" and hangs up on his sorry ass. Right on Audrina.

9:24 AM, January 24, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey TW... Girl, you rock! Im lovin the recaps...Season 2 of the Hills is better than season one. I just dont understand how the same guys get passed around b/w the girls when there are soooo many guys in this world! If they're gonna share, at least make sure the guys are actually good looking....not little boys who think they're pimps..& that dont have any ties to Laguna!

10:20 AM, January 24, 2007  
Anonymous Hillsaddict said...


You are a very talented writer and have enough wit to last a few lifetimes - I laugh out loud when I read these, and don't even care who hears! I don't know how much time you spend, but please keep it coming because the time is well-spent:)

10:27 AM, January 24, 2007  
Anonymous Cait said...

I love the recaps- but I always think it's weird that we hear in tabloids about what happens with the couples. I mean we all knew that LC and Jason were doomed and that LC went on dates with Brody.
I wonder what Heidi is thinking when she sees all the sh*t that Spencer is pulling. Does Spencer think that his suave fascade won't be discovered?

10:32 AM, January 24, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Spencer doesn't care. He is on TV and Brody, same for him. His TV show tanked, so what is the best way for publicity and to get at Kristin but ask out her nemisis, while she is filming her own TV show. It's a win win situation. Not only did Kristin get mad while seeing the pictures of Lauren and Brody together in the tabloids but how do you think she feels about it now, watching Brody say all the same shit to Lauren he said to her on their first date. It is all a game and eventually the girls will all grow up and move on (like Kristen did with hottie Nick Zano!!) and the boys, they will be left with each other. But from the looks of Spencer, he probably plays that game :)

12:09 PM, January 24, 2007  
Blogger kendallina said...

Spencer is ridiculous! I would be concerned about Brody Jenner if I were L.C. since he's friends with're only as good as the company you keep!

12:48 PM, January 24, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I LOOOOOOVE ur hills recaps!! Kudos!!! and umm Spencer is sooo NOT cute!!! what is she thinking!! i wonder why Jordan and his loser friend are now?

1:36 PM, January 24, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too just had to stop by and thank you for the wonderfully hilarious recaps. I love'm. same time next, week I hope.

3:49 PM, January 24, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

TW...Anon 7:42 here! I totally missed a whole paragraph!! Twice ha ha! So sorry!! You are great! xo xo

3:58 PM, January 24, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think mean lady is actually doing lc a favor --- helping her see that she needs to make good decisions --- she SHOULD have gone to Paris, not going was a poor decision. She should NOT forsake opportunities to further herself and her career to get a beach house with a loser like Jason.

3:42 PM, January 27, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is all craziness. First of all, props to Audrina, who Heidi is trying to paint as the villain when it's actually Spencer. I'm glad she hung up on his ass. He is totally, obviously playing them both for as much screen time as he can possibly get. As others have mentioned, Spencer and Brody were on a short lived reality show called the Princes of Malibu, produced by Spencer. They thought they could make a reality show about their rich kid lives and it tanked. Brody is a notorious fame whore. Although I believe the relationship with Kristin was real, he loved the publicity it got him, which made him enter into that fake, just for pubclitiy relationship with Nicole Richie, his childhood friend. Numerous sources have reported on his fame hungry tendencies. And now we have this guy Spencer, his buddy, who is obviously out for the same thing. Also, this is so pathetic of me, but... remember in the previews Heidi is saying "don't make me chose between you and Spencer." She obviously has chosen him. If you look at Heidi's myspace, she and Spencer are each other's #1 friend. Spencer's quote is "I love Heidi." No sign of Lauren on Heidi's myspace. And when Heidi called into MTV the other day she was still hating on Audrina and saying Spencer's antics were due to the way the show was edited. He has really snowed this poor girl if she's believing that. He is playing her for a fool, an absolute fool. He is flat out playing her. I guess I can't be too surprised because Heidi always was an idiot. As for Brody it seems that Lauren got wise to his act mighty fast. Good thing too as he was fake as hell and kissing up to her way too much on their "date." ~ Stacey

10:56 AM, January 29, 2007  

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