"THE HILLS" SEASON 2 PREMIERE RECAP: "OUT WITH THE OLD."

Oh here we go again with the return of The Hills on MTV and you know what that means, recaps! recaps! recaps! Things have been a bit busy lately, but I will try to do my best to get them posted within a day or two from the first airing. And we're off!

When The Hills ended last season, we were left with Lauren making the stupidest decision of her life by turning down an internship opportunity with Teen Vogue in Paris, just so she could stay in Los Angeles and live at the beach with her deadbeat, meathead boyfriend Jason. Tonight's episode begins with the aftermath of Lauren's decision and where the rest of the girl's lives have taken them. Lauren narrates her little recap where we learn that Heidi has been promoted at Bolthouse and now has the illustrious job of "working the door" at the Los Angeles club "Area." Dare to dream girls, dare to dream. Holding a clipboard and marking names off at the entrance to a club could be your dream career too if you just try hard enough like Heidi. Plus, she now gets to wear an ear piece. Audrina has also apparently moved up in the ranks, and we learn she has landed herself a new receptionist job, this time at Epic records. Fancy. If that wasn't enough, she is also dating Heidi's new boyfriend Spencer, who, in my opinion didn't look that hot so I don't know how he landed both these girls. Anyway, it's now war between Heidi and Audrina. Oh goody. As for Lauren, we find out that the "dream summer" with Jason in Malibu didn't end up being so dreamy and they ended up breaking up.

So the episode begins with Lauren pulling up to Jason's place in the shiniest, hottest black convertible Mercedes Benz. Lauren is dumping off the remainder of Jason's things from when they lived together and just take a guess what the first thing that comes out of that schmucks mouth when he sees Lauren is? "Damn! Golf clubs!" Oh God how I hate him. Lauren on the other hand is in tears over delivering Jason's belongings back to him in a trash bag. Jason, the sensitive guy that he is, pulls Lauren to him as her face is smudged with mascara and asks her, "are you still going to be my buddy?" F*cker. Lauren has now joined the ranks of millions of other girls that have had a guy break their heart, but then have them so generously pony up an offer to be "buddies." Ugh. Lauren then tells Jason she can't be "normal buddies" with him, because it's just too hard to see him. Jason, still a stupid meathead, doesn't understand why Lauren feels this way and lets her drive off in tears. Sure, Lauren may be heartbroken, but damn, Jason is stoked cuz he's got his golfclubs back!

Next scene is at Bolthouse where the staff is having a meeting about some upcoming party at Area. Forget the fact that, wee! Heidi now gets to "work the door!" I am more thrown by Brent Bolthouse's new hairdo. Let's just say, dude now has some flat bangs and I don't like it. Then we see Audrina at Epic trying to call Heidi on her cell phone. When Heidi sees it's Audrina calling, she puts the call straight to voicemail. Ooooh, so harsh. Audrina leaves her a message saying she doesn't know what is going on and asks if Heidi is mad at her, blah, blah, blah. Gosh these two are still as boring as wood.

Now we see Lauren hopping into Teen Vogue after a long summer off. She meets up at her desk with the fabulous Whitney and they start to compare notes about their summer vacations. Whitney tells Lauren how she went to Paris and got to see all these fancy ass couture dresses and even holds up the photoshoot in Teen Vogue that she worked on. Then, slick little wide eyed Whitney asks Lauren, "And how was your summer? Did you end up getting that beach house?" Heh, heh. God, how I love Whitney. The girls then get summoned to scary lady Lisa Love's office where she asks them each how their summers were. Whitney glows while telling scary lady how fabulous everything was in Paris, how she got to go to Coco Chanel's apartment, etc. etc., while Lauren sinks in her chair dreading the possibility of having to tell the Jason break-up story again. Scary lady then tells Whitney she might have a chance to do another Paris internship next summer. Whitney is all smiles. Then, scary lady, in her finest moment on The Hills yet, lets out a doozie and says, "Lauren didn't go to Paris. She's always going to be known as the girl who didn't go to Paris. Do you regret that decision?" Lauren is speechless and shakes her head "yes" while holding back tears. Then, when you think it couldn't get worse, scary lady rips open Lauren's wound even deeper, pours a shit load of salt in it and asks, "How was your summer at the beach with your boyfriend? Did that work out for you?" What. A. Bitch. Lauren was so shocked, she couldn't even respond to the question. She just stared at scary lady and shook her head "no." Okay, you know that scene was totally set up by the producers and scary lady against Lauren and personally, I just think it was mean and uncalled for.

Later at the apartment, Heidi and Lauren are talking and Lauren is crying about all the Paris and Jason talk. She tells Heidi she broke up with Jason because she was sick of crying every day over him and now she crying because she is sad he is not there to make her stop crying. Lauren is a complete wreck and feels like she lost her best friend. Yeah, yeah, you know how us girls have an amazing talent to turn shitty things around like that.

Next, we see Heidi on a date with her new boyfriend Spennnnncer at Don Antonios Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles. They start talking about Audrina and Heidi tells him how Audrina was talking around town about how she was hanging out with Heidi's man and that is why Heidi is mad at her. When Heidi asks Spencer if it's true, he denies any wrong doing and calls Audrina a "friend bud." Then he whistles and twirls his finger next to his ear like she was crazy. Then they show the two of them walking into Spennnnncer's apartment where he asks Heidi if she is going to spend the night. She is also carrying what looks to be two of those plastic wrapped roses you buy from those street vendors. Ugh, I can already tell that the guy is a total sleezeball.

Oh and what do you know? The next day shows Audrina and Spennnnncer having yogurt together at Pinkberry (sidenote: If you haven't ever been to Pinkberry, you must go and get a green tea frozen yogurt with pomegranate seeds. Delicious). As they sit down, we see that Audrina is also holding two street vendor roses and telling the sleezeball how pretty they are. When Audrina tells him that Heidi is mad at her, he tells her he can't understand why Heidi is mad and then tells Audrina he will "be her team member" THEN, when you thought this guy couldn't be more of a sleezeball pig, he asks Audrina if wants to go to Don Antonois that night (where he just took Heidi) and then cruise on over to Area (reminder: That is where Heidi will be working the door).

That night at Area we see Lauren lounging on the couch with that friend Jen from Laguna Beach who always had the two toned looking face that didn't match her body. As the chicks are lying on a couch and Lauren is slurping her sorrows away with a drink, Jen points out freakin' Brody Jenner to Lauren and tells her how she thinks he's cute. Let's not forget that Brody Jenner was the ex boyfriend of Lauren's former Laguna Beach rival Kristin Cavallari. Blah, blah, blah. Then, in the scene of all scenes, that sleeze Spencer walks up to Heidi at the entrance of Area with Audrina and Heidi is just completely stunned. She manages to give him a hug, ignoring Audrina, but still lets them in the door. Damn, after that, why didn't she just tell him he wasn't on the list?? Then, when Heidi confronts Spencer inside the club, he swears on "his mother's life" that he did not come up to the club with Audrina. Huh, I hope mama had a nice funeral. Honestly, after watching this douchbag, Jason is starting to look like an angel. I hope after this episode aired, Heidi and Audrina hunted Spencer down and hung him up by his balls.

The next day at Bolthouse, Heidi tells her co-worker about the night before and how things are soooo over with Spencer because he showed up at Area with Audrina. She then says she needs to go home because she has been feeling dizzy and nauseous the past couple days. Uh oh. Next thing you know, Heidi goes to a drugstore and picks up a pregnancy test and of course, not to let Audrina steal her thunder, she lets the cameras capture all of this.

Is Heidi pregnant? Will Lauren and Brody Jenner hit it off? Will Audrina & Heidi ever be friends again? Will Spencer ever get what's coming to him? And most importantly, will Brent Bolthouse change that horrible haircut? Find out all of that and more this season on The Hills!