Tabloid Whore!



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Last night's episode of The Hills was pretty uneventful compared to the past couple weeks. As the episode begins we find out it's Lauren's birthday and of course, any girl knows that when it's your birthday, you must go out and buy a new dress. Heidi and Audrina head off with Lauren in search of a birthday dress but somehow get confused and end up trying on wedding dresses. I'm sure a collective "awww" came out of women's mouths as they watched this moment while boyfriends forced to watch The Hills with their girlfriends tried to hide underneath the nearest table.

The next day, Lauren and Whitney have a meeting with scary lady Lisa Love where she informs them that they need to do casting for some photo shoot for Teen Vogue. Okay, hold up. I'm sorry, but if you are an intern, you don't do stuff envelopes and get people's lunches. Oh wait, I forgot, Heidi gets paid to do that and she's not an intern! Upon hearing the news that their assignment involves looking for 17-24 year old fresh slabs of cute boy meat, the girls start to giggle and Lisa Love proceeds to shoot them both with bloody eye daggers. Later that night when Lauren is out with Jason, she lies to him and says that she is casting a bathing suit photo shoot with all girls. When Jason asks her if any guys will be there she lies again and says, "no," because she is afraid he will get mad at her (gee, I wonder why). Yes! I love when Lauren lies to Jason! Tee-hee!

So it's the day of the casting session and Lauren and Whitney are swimming in foine young men. Whitney looks like she is picturing what every cute boy looks like naked and keeps telling them to take their shirts off. Lauren on the other hand just stands back and takes the photos staying on her best behavior (
boo!). Whitney is practically hyperventilating and is besides herself, drooling in cute boys. I love Whitney. Later on, Brian, Jordan and Jason (aka Dumb and Dumber and Dumber) are all hanging out together. Without knowing it, Jordan spills the beans that Lauren's casting session was for an all cute boy swimsuit shoot and by the look on Jason's face, you can tell homeboy is not pleased. As the other guys continue to yuck it up completely clueless to Jason's deal, he gets up and walks away from them mid sentence. Oh I love when Jason gets pissed!

Now there is a commercial break and they have a preview for the new season of Laguna Beach that looked like a bunch of teen bitches hanging out by Heidi Fliess' pool. It looks like total trash and not in a good way. Ugh! I am so over it and don't care about this new cast!

Back to the Hills...The next day Heidi asks Jordan if he slipped up and told Jason about cute boys being at the Teen Vogue shoot and Jordan is like, "yah, who gives a fu@k! Those two are both insecure and immature." Obviously Jordan has forgotten his own behavior from a couple episodes back when he turned into a little bitch after Heidi hugged a guy she went out on one date with. Now that Jordan has revealed Lauren's deep, dark secret, Jason types Lauren a text message saying something like, "How r duh boyz at duh foto shoot u litl lie are?" Now Lauren gets all stressed out that Jason is going to cause drama up in the hills and we all know how much Lauren hates drama. Before Lauren can come up with another great lie to tell Jason, her phone rings and it's him. Dun! Dun! Just when Lauren is all ready to be defensive about the whole stupid situation, Jason tells her he doesn't care about the cute boys (liar, liar, pants on fire!), but asks her not to lie to him next time. Also, if that weren't bad enough, he also throws in an "I love you." We are all shocked. I am convinced Jason was only nice to Lauren because it was her birthday and is really planning one of his little girl bitch attacks for sometime the following week.

That night Jason gets a room for them at The Standard Hotel and has a whole pretty dinner set up with little candles and everything. You know there is no way he did this on his own, so thank you MTV for making sure Lauren had a nice birthday. Aww, maybe I am being too hard on the guy? Hmmm let me think about that ... Nah! During their little candlelight dinner, Jason asks Lauren if she wants to go out afterwards and when she tells him she'd just like to hang out in hotel room with him, Jason doesn't seem to comprehend anything about that. For the next few minutes, they go back and forth with one of those stupid, "What do you want to do? I don't know what do you want to do?" types of conversations. Finally, Lauren asks him, "What? You can't just be with me?" and still, it seems very difficult for Jason to grasp the concept of just. staying. home. Gee, I wonder why. Sniff, sniff! So, Lauren gets her wish and the kids stay in for the evening to have a wild night in the hotel room, oh yes. Then, the episode ends with the two of them lying on the hotel bed with nothing to say and just staring at each other blankly. Man that was a beautiful ending.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

LC is like the dumbest girl i know. Her and jason could not even hold a dam conversation. They spent atleast five minutes on the topic of what did she want to do after dinner for her b-day. cleary he did not want to chill in the room with her!!! he looked miserable as
She is so boring....

6:37 AM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everytime I see Lauren and/or Jason, I throw up a little in my mouth. They are both retarded.

6:43 AM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your recaps...they are better than watching the show. I like Lauren, but Jason is a trainwreck...such a disaster and you can't help but keep looking!

7:00 AM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lauren is an idiot, comes across as totally desperate. Remember Jason is younger then her and acts it. He also obviously has some kind of substance problem, you can tell everytime he gets mad at her,he is under the influence of something. And, what does he do all day, does he go to school or work, do any of the boys do anything, or do they just live off their parents? Can't stop watching, it is like a train wreck, love it.

7:17 AM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Regarding the post, which is accurate and funny as hell, I am one of the sad BF that have to endure the pain of the show. I told my gf about Jason's sniffles from the get go. At the restaurant, a few episodes ago, the xchange with the LA dude, then the constant nose rubbing. Are they making out the the bathroom...well, maybe, but my guess is that Jason is servicing this guy to support his habit. A lot like Less than Zero, but at least that was good acting. LBeach will suck, definitely the last season. MTV should show more of Next.

8:48 AM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm totally convinced Lauren has lost her damn mind and at the end of the season she will find it under her couch cushion or something. Give me a break...Lieing to her bf about her work? Could these 2 be any more immature. I'm really starting to dislike her and I thought she was a bright, beautiful girl.

9:04 AM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why is everyone so blind to Jasons intentions towards Lauren? He doesnt even like her its so obvious. I am not clear exactly what his motivations are for wanting to be with her besides wanting to be on TV. I hate to see Lauren fool herself into thinking he wants to be with her and loves her. HE CLEARLY doesnt like her in the least bit. There is something behind it, and as soon as the opportunity presents itself for him to cheat thats exactly what he is going to do!!!

11:02 AM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jason is nice and tries to be sweet but he ends up being stupid. It was Laurens birthday and he really wanted to go out he should have wanted to stay with her. Lauren i think she is a sweetheart but she is kind of boring and a party pooper sometimes. She never wants to go out. This time I understand why she wanted to stay in with her boyfriend on her birthday. She just wanted to be with him but sometimes she has to loosen up

11:31 AM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thats not exactly how it ended..when lc asks why cant u just be with me, jason says i cant..she looks scene jasons in bed, and lauren gets in, kinda close, but doesnt touch can tell by her body movements, she wants him to put his arm on her..and cuddle..she then looks at him with this look of disgust. He still doesnt touch her, and she looks away, likes shes thinking of what such an awful guy he is.

12:31 PM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous sophie. said...

i feel some sort of relief every time i watch these two go at it that i have learned in my short 21 years not to fall for douches like jason. come on i dated one once. i know the games.

thats why we all know its all about the sex and not about the stimulating conversations. how long did it take them to decide what to do for her birthday's evening? ten minutes? twenty?? can they even talk at dinner or just stare at each other and smile and wave their forks around?

and good lord i cant stand watching him treat her like that (the "why cant you just listen and never talk ever again?!" and "YOU KEEP MAKING MISTAKES OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER!" from last week's really scared me, he seemed quite violent) (and like you can get that mad for MISTAKES?!) (not like mistakes are on purpose like how YOU do everything jason!), and it amazes me how clueless they both are:: OIBVIOUSLY the reason they're both so insecure and jealous is because they're both liars. they're both hiding stuff and they both know it and so they're both suspicious of the other. oh to be young and in love, right?

it surprised me how quickly she lied about those damn boy swimsuit models tho. jeez louise, she really should have just told the truth.

who cares?
work is work, jason shouldnt care.

but lord. i love this show. i come here to read your recaps every week and then when they rerun the episode i enjoy it that much more! you say all the funny stuff i want to about these brainless rich kids. ahhhh.

i think lauren's an alright girl but she has GOT to get rid of this loser.

its going to get so much worse.

i cant wait!!

i posted the longest damn comment ever, sorry!

12:33 PM, July 20, 2006  
Blogger Tabloid Whore! said...

anon 12:31- you are exactly right about the ending. i ran out of patience to write about it further, thank you for describing it beautifully! She really did look disgusted with him. And of course, she's still with him today. yuck.

12:54 PM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

okay this week was an okay episode but next week looks great. stupid heidi and stupid jordan on the rocks.

7:08 PM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh LC is dumb.

6:50 PM, July 23, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can't wait till next episode this Weds. This looks like the best yet!!

<3 CaMi

6:37 PM, July 25, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hah thats funni... hah i love lauren but i dont really like jason! he is sooo rude to her like on the new years eve one werer is talkes about just being friends and i dont wanna do it today and all this carp and makes her think that hes gonna break up with her and then hes like no i didnt wanna break up thats gay! but i think that he is a jerk to her sometimes but other then that i think that they make a cute couple like christmas aww how cute hah but i love the hills

7:14 PM, July 25, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love this show,it's like something that stinks,you know it stinks but you smell it anyway(like a shoe or like the Hills you know how the show is but you still watch it anyway...Jason is an a-hole...Lauren deserves better...I understand her not wanting to go out all the time...but when she does go out,can she just loosen up and live life...jeeze...I know schools important,but enjoying life is too...I mean you only get one...I can't wait until tomorrow when Heidi and Jordan go at it...I bet she won't leave him...and if she does...she'll take him back within a couple of days...and man Jordan cried on nat'l t.v. I love a sensitive man...but not overly sensitive...but yet it's love this show,and can't get enough!

10:10 PM, July 25, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didnt know Heidi was not in love with Jordan. She seemed so in love and it appeared that they were inseperable. I couldnt believe she actually broke up with him. I never saw the plot between them heading in that direction. I expected Lauren and Jason to be splitsville first. I wonder if they will be back together for the finale

8:04 AM, July 27, 2006  

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