THE HILLS RECAP: "LOVE IS NOT A MAYBE THING."

Image via Laurenconrad.net

Good Lord! It's the longest recap yet! It's the episode of The Hills you've all been waiting for! No, Lauren did not tell Jason to go take a long walk off a short cliff, but Heidi and her loafer boyfriend Jordan were going through all kinds of bad relationship shit, so it's almost just as good!

The episode starts off with Heidi and Audrina (zzzz) going to lunch. Heidi is yapping away about her relationship with that loser Jordan and the fact that she has dated him for 7-8 months already. Unfortunately, she tells Audrina that she and Jordan have been "bikering" lately and that she thinks he is jealous that she has her "dream job" at Bolthouse Productions. Since Jordan is probably destined to work the counter at Hot Dog on a Stick for the rest of his life, she could have a point. Later when Heidi arrives at Audrina's apartment, she is on the phone arguing with Jordan and she is really pissed off, saying through gritted teeth, "Do not cuss at me Jordan!" After she hangs up the phone she bursts into hysterical tears about how terrible Jordan talks to her and is bawling, "I dont know what to doooo!!!" It was actually kind of sad. Then she goes on to tell Audrina that before she started dating Jordan she was a strong bitch, but now she lets Jordan talk all kinds of mean shit to her. I never understand that. Girls in bad relationships always say they "used" to be strong until the mean boy came around. Unfortunately, I think it's not the fact that they used to be strong, but more that they never had to deal with an asshole until then. Case in point: Heidi. Through her tears, Heidi tells Audrina that she deserves to be treated like a "princess" and not like the steaming load of shit Jordan has been treating her as. As funny as it was to hear dingbat Heidi say, "I deserve to be treated like a princess!" I have to admit that she's right.

Next we're in the offices of Teen Vogue where darling Whitney asks Lauren how her birthday went. Uh oh. Surprisingly, Lauren tells her that she had a great time with Jason. That causes Whitney to tell Lauren that Jason sure knows what the hell he's doing getting her a room at The Standard and says something like..."he may be young, but he knows what to do!" Little does Whitney know that poor Lauren and Jason ended up sitting in silence on the covers of the hotel bed and probably didn't even have any birthday sex. Oh yeah, and Whitney is still waiting for her flowers.

Next, Heidi is in her apartment with her new poopy Bella (yes! Bella lives!) and in comes meanie Jordan. Heidi decides to lay it on the line and tells him that she is sick of the crappy way he talks to her and that he better shape his ass up soon or she and Bella are outta there. Jordan can't seem to understand that it is WRONG to cuss and yell at Heidi when he is upset and instead tells her it's because he is "passionate." Eieiei. Then, he basically tells her that he can't change who he is and that is just that. He's passionate! He's a dick! He has really bad hair! Of course, Jordan tries to blame it all on Heidi by telling her she has a "princess persona" and Heidi, the true princess that she is was like, "I am a girl! I should be a princess!" At this point, Jordan is just like, "whatever dude!" and blows her off and starts to play with Bella. Then, when Jordan decides to leave, Heidi tells him she will see him tomorrow and that he can't come back that night. Instead of trying to talk to Heidi about this, Jordan laughs and says, "pfffhuh! yah right!" and walks out the door. Dick. Heidi then runs to the door and locks it to ensure he can't get back inside. Neener, Neener, Neener, Jordan! Too bad dingbat Heidi probably forgot she gave him a key to the apartment. Then, in the rejection of all rejections, she calls over to Bella and the damn poopy blows her off. This really pisses Heidi off and she slams the bedroom door in Bella's face. Poor Bella.

Jason and Lauren are out to lunch and she tells him her parents want to take the two of them out to dinner. A look of fear and dread suddenly comes across his face. Let us not forget that good 'ol Mr. Conrad forbade Jason from entering Casa Conrad after he possibly got a blow job in the stairwell from Jessica at the fashion show last season on Laguna Beach (Jason, not Mr. Conrad of course). After the awkwardness of the dinner invitation passes, Jason tells Lauren he wants to get a house at the beach with her this summer. I guess Jason decided to be nice this week and all is good for Lauren again. Next, Dumb and Dumber Jordan and Brian are talking about Heidi and now it's Brian's turn to give Jordan love advice. Oh I can't wait. Give it to me Brian (or should we call him Brain?). He comes up with the master plan and tells Jordan, "like dude, just tell her you love her! Get in a suit and tie, pick up some flowers, show up at her work and tell her you want to take her out to dinner." Fucking brilliant. Then Jordan, in the boyfriend of all boyfriend moves says, "I dont knowif I want to do that." And you wonder why she wants to break up with your ass?

That night, Lauren and Heidi are out to dinner and Heidi is telling Lauren about her problems with Jordan. Heidi is torn about what to do and wonders since Jordan is causing all this mess now, maybe it could be her easy out to break up with him. Heidi is in now typical break up mode, where she fears dumping the boyfriend because she knows she will hurt and that even though he's a dick, part of her will miss him. Lauren seems to think that if they break up, everything in Heidi's room will remind her of Jordan. Lauren the relationship genius then spells it out for Heidi and says, "Girl! Love is not a maybe thang! You know when you really love somebody." Ahhh yes, just like Lauren loves Jason. Then the big moment happens as Lauren asks Heidi if she is in love with Jordan and to everyone's shock, suprise and joy, Heidi looks at Lauren and tells her, she is in love with Jordan, but not "absolutely" in love with Jordan. All hail Heidi!!

Now here's the point that things started to get really sad and even I don't have the heart to make fun of it too much. Heidi is at her apartment calls her mom and tells her, "Mommy, I've packed all of Jordan's shit and it's all sitting here in boxes." Heidi keeps saying how she can't believe this is happening and it's so hard looking at the pictures of them together and seeing all his stuff. I hope her mom was on the other end telling her, "Heidi girl, you kick that boy's sorry bad haired ass to the curb! You are a princess and will always be a princess!!" Next thing you know, Jordan walks in her bedroom and is like, "duuuhhh...." At this moment, the waterworks begin for both of them (and I'm sure for some of you at home). Heidi tells Jordan she can't "do this anymore." Jordan totally starts freaking out and crying telling her "I love you more than anything in this world Heidi, I can't imagine my life without you!" Heidi is crying and tells him she thinks they bring out the worst in each other. Again, Jordan is bawling and says he can't live without her and now he tells her he will do whatever it takes to make it work. Heh. Of course he says it now. At this point, viewers are on the edge of their seats waiting to hear Heidi's response and fearing that she'll just be like, "okay then!" and take the loafer back. Instead, Heidi just looks up at him and says, "I'm done." Everyone cheer for Heidi!!!! When Jordan gets up to leave she gives him his key back and tells him, "don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, suckah!!!!" Okay, maybe Heidi didn't say that, but again, I prefer to remember it going down like that. Jordan then leaves the apartment and what do you know, bitch totally didn't take his boxes of shit. After Jordan leaves, Heidi is completly broken and goes to Lauren and they curl up in each others arms on the couch together. At this point, all the boyfriends forced to watch The Hills probably were hoping for some rebound lesbian action between the two girls, but unfortunately, the boys did not get their wish. Instead, Heidi gets up to go take a nap and Lauren is left alone on the couch probably thinking to herself how lucky she is to have such a great boyfriend like Jason.

Next, it's a reunion for Dumb, Dumb and Dumber, as Jason, Jordan & Brain are all sitting around in Jordan's apartment. Jordan breaks the news that Heidi had the balls to pack all his stuff up, take all his pictures down and tell him she doesn't want to see his bad haired ass anymore. Jordan is still dumbfounded that Heidi could break up with such a cool guy like him and is probably thinking, "but I thought girls liked to be treated like shit?" The boys start their little bitch chit chat about how shocked they are about the break-up of the seemingly "perfect couple." Jason the genius then lets out, "Woah, i'm in shock dude. I thought me and lauren would be done way long before you would." Silence. Thanks Jason. I can't wait for Lauren to watch this episode.

The next day at Teen Vogue, Whitney & Lauren are hanging out, probably steaming clothes or arranging sandals, when Whitney asks Lauren what she is doing this summer. Lauren tells her the big plans about possibly getting a beach house in Malibu with Jason. At this point, I fear that a new series centering around Jason and Lauren living in Malibu together is about to be created and aptly titled, "The Boo." God help us all. Later that night, Audrina asks Heidi about the break up and Audrina, the cold hearted bitch that she is, tells Heidi how different it's going to be because she is has never seen her without a boyfriend! I'm sure that is exactly what Heidi wanted to hear. Then, Audrina in all her tenderness says, "at least I got my buddy back!" Huh? What you mean Audrina? Aren't we supposed to believe you just recently met Heidi by the pool? If Heidi and Jordan have been dating for 8 months, at what time was she not with Jordan and being your little club buddy? Story editors, please pay closer attention next time! So, after an emotionally draining episode, it ends with Audrina and Heidi returning to "buddy" status and and getting all giggly about how they are going to go out together and hit the clubs as two hot single bitches. Watch out boys.

Make sure to tune in next week for The Hills season finale. What ever will we do when it's over?! Just around the corner is the season premiere of Laguna Beach season 3 which looks simply frightening. You can read a preview of the show and see a cast photo over HERE on popbytes. Jesus! Cami looks like a freakin' line backer!