STOP THE PRESSES! HOLLYWOOD'S GOLDEN COUPLE OFFICIALLY KAPUT!

Are you there God? It's me, Paris. Why does love have to be so much work? I thought I could just give him blowjobs every day and he would be happy.

Paris Hilton claims she ended engagement. Yah, right. She released the following statement to US Weekly's website: "I'm sad to announce that I've called off my engagement. Over the last couple months I've realized that this is the right decision for me. We remain best of friends, and I'll always love him. I hope people will respect my privacy during this emotional time."

Gee, and I really thought these two would beat the odds. Out of respect for Paris Hilton and this emotional time, I will be mourning and wearing black all weekend long. I request that you all do the same.