PERMANENTLY ERECT.

Tom Sizemore, the actor probably best known for his role in Saving Private Ryan (but I prefer to refer to him as the bastard that beat my girl Heidi Fleiss when they were dating) is a freakin' trainwreck. He has had so many problems, all of them related to drugs. Just a sampling of his misdeeds include a trip to rehab in '95 for a heroin habit, being convicted of beating up a girlfriend in '02, charged in '04 with threatening to inflict injury on ex-Madam Heidi (remember her crying on the witness stand?) and also his arrest for possession of methamphetamine and crack ('04). A couple months ago, a story came out about him trying to trying to falsify a drug test by using a Whizzinator a fake penis that holds drug-free urine (click the link, they've got pictures!). Yikes. Just when you think the Whizzinator story could not be topped, my favorite tabloid, The National Enquirer has done it. They are reporting that Sizemore has recently been diagnosed with the medical condition Priapism, which, get this, means "he can never be satisfied sexually and has an abnormal, persistent and painful erection that won't go down in spite of orgasm and can be caused by alcohol or drug abuse." Neato! His manager backs up the story saying, "He can have sex nine times without stopping. His condition explains his sexual addiction." This isn't even the best part people...there's more, there's more! Seems that good 'ol boy Tom set up camera's all around his house to document his escapades with the nine girls living with him (yes, I said nine) to make some homemade porn. But someone got hold of three tapes and sold them and they are expected to hit the internet at any minute. Scandal! I love it! But shiiiiit, now I have this damn visual of Sizemore, arms outstretched, running around the house chasing the women with a massive boner. It's gonna haunt me the whole day and I hope now that you've read this story it will haunt you too. God help us all.