Tabloid Whore!



Oh we have a long recap this week for MTV's The Hills! Lots and lots of crap went down in last night's episode. As it begins, we learn that Heidi and Jordan's 6 month anniversary is coming up. Oh I can't wait. Heidi and Lauren are talking about relationship anniversaries when Lauren suddenly blurts out, "Remember how important 6 months used to be? If you were in high school and you were a good girl, at 6 months you gave it up." Ooopsie! Sorry Mr. Conrad!

Next we see dingbat Heidi at work playing solitaire on her computer. Brent Bolthouse calls her in his office, sits her down and says, "Heidi, I don't really know how to tell you this..." At this point I'm thinking Brent Bolthouse has pulled his head out of his ass and that dingbat Heidi is finally going to get her stupid ass fired from this job, but no. Unfortunately, he tells her they want to start integrating her into working in the clubs. Finally, Heidi's dream has come true. She will get out of stuffing envelopes and finally will get her chance to mingle with the beautiful people. Heidi's face lights up and Brent tells her she has to start working the clubs on Wednesday. Because Heidi is an idiot, she only realizes when she is on the phone with someone later that Wednesday is her and Jordan's anniversary. Oh the horror! How can she possibly work on her 6 month anniversary?! They were supposed to go to dinner & bowling after all. I mean, something like that cannot be postponed for a day even for her job where she finally gets to go up in da club like she always dreamed. Oh drama, here we come.

So then we jump back to Lauren and she arrives at FIDM for school where Jason is waiting in his car outside like a creepy stalker. When he sees her he gets out of the car and Lauren's like, "uh, dude, what are you doing her?" Jason explains that he wants to talk about what happened the other night at his birthday dinner and why he blew her off at the dinner table to talk to his boyz. The consensus amongst the commenters here last week was that Jay was going in the bathroom and getting all coked up, but his excuse to Lauren was that he just had a hard time juggling all the boys in his squad. Yah whatever Jason! Everyone knows what you were really doing. We've all heard the rumors. I will say that although I am not a fan of the guy and have never found him attractive due to that horrible "chin strap" beard he had going on, he looked pretty cute with that short messy haircut and full on scruff instead of the chin strap. Thank heavens.

Back at Bolthouse Productions another scary looking lady (not to be confused with Teen Vogue's Lisa Love) meets with Heidi about working the clubs. This boss lady has long jet black hair with dark ass red lipstick and she makes that Lisa Love look like Mother Theresa. At this point I am scared for Heidi but also excited because I know she will say something stupid and scary red lipstick lady looks like she will take a hammer to the girl. When she begins to tell Heidi how it's going to go down on Wednesday night while working the clubs for Bolthouse, one of the first brilliant things out of Heidi's mouth is, "um, well I was thinking maybe I could work Saturday." Oh yes, here we go! Here we go! Just as I expected, black haired red lipstick lady was having none of Heidi's shit and shoots down Heidi's dreams for a perfect 6 month anniversary with Jordan and yells at Heidi, "UM NO. Wednesday you are walking the line with us!" Aw shucks. I guess Heidi won't be able to "give it up" to her boyfriend on her 6 month anniversary now *snicker.* She then proceeded to tell Heidi all the rules about how she cannot mingle with the beautiful people and she is not allowed inside the club at all while working. OH, and she informs Heidi she better look like hot shit, she definitely needs to be wearing heels and she better not wear no stinky ass flip flops *sigh* while working da club!

Next we flip to Teen Vogue who is having a DKNY fashion show for L.A. Fashion week and both Lauren and Whitney have been picked to help out. Lauren is only 5 minutes late to the set up for this and everyone from Teen Vogue begins freaking out. I understand about the importance of being on time, but 5 minutes they should have let slide. We live in L.A. and there is always traffic somewhere. Anyway, when she arrives, some bitchy lady with black curly hair gets all up in Lauren's ass for being late. You know what? I'd like that evil looking lady to trade Lauren for Heidi one day and see what it's like to have a bad employee. Not to mention the fact that Lauren probably isn't getting paid anything to intern there. I mean, c'mon, five minutes? Whatever, I bet she tried to pull rank with Lauren just so she could get on camera.

Later on as the show is in full swing, Teen Vogue realizes a model is missing. Unbeknownst to intern Whitney, TPTB decide to put her in the fashion as the replacement model. One of the Teen Vogue people walks up to Whitney and Lauren and just throws out, "Whitney, you're gonna walk tonight." Upon hearing that news, poor Whitney's eyes pop out like she is going to pee her pants. This is terribly exciting because I like that Whitney. She is absolutely gorgeous, so just go on with your bad self and walk that fashion show girl!! The moment arrives and Whitney does a flawless walk down the catwalk. Scary Lady Lisa Love is in the audience with Blaine and they are thrilled with Whitney's performance. As she is beaming with pride that Whitney is one of HER slave driven interns, Lisa Love whispers to Blaine, "she is so composed all the time!" Oooooh! Whitney might have landed herself a brand new career!

We jump back to stupid Heidi and to our horror learn that she has invited her boyfriend Jordan to go to the club where she is working that night. Ok. Bitch should have had her ass fired just for the simple fact that she did such a stupid thing. I don't think dingbat Heidi has one professional bone in her body. Why'd she invite the boyfriend to her first night working the clubs? Why It's their anniversary of course! She is so stupid I cannot stand it!!! That night after Heidi and Jordan go to dinner, Heidi is at club LAX and finally getting to "walk the line." As it's being explained to her how to check people off on a clipboard, boyfriend Jordan and his crew show up. Let me tell you that upon seeing this, scary black hair lady with the red lipstick is not pleased and starts pitching a fit and screaming orders at everyone around her. OK, at this point, black haired lady with the red lipstick needs to calm the hell down. She has now turned herself into crazy black haired lady with the red lipstick. I mean really! There are cameras filming you lady! Anyway. Just when you thought Heidi couldn't get more stupid by inviting her boyfriend to her work event, she decides to leave her post outside and go inside the very club she was forbidden to enter. She finds Jordan and jumps all over him and at this point I am practically yelling at the television, "why is her ass not fired?!?!" Next thing we know, some guy Heidi went on one date with comes up to her to say hello. He tells Jordan that he and Heidi "used to have eyes for each other" and so Jordan suddenly becomes all pissed off and starts giving Heidi major shit for talking to the guy. Heidi is like, "whatever dude, I have to go back to work!" and Jordan and his lame friend proceed to have what looks like a drunken conversation with each other asking, "howw coullld she talk to thaat guyyy? If that was my ex-girrrlfrrriend who came over..." Oh my God, do you men really talk like that when we aren't around? And here I thought it was all about tits and sports with you people. After the event, Heidi's little baby sulking boyfriend is waiting for her outside and proceeds to give her yet more shit about saying hello to the guy she went on one date with. Seriously, why is Jordan acting like a jealous little bitch? Oh well, Heidi and Jordan's anniversary has now been ruined! First they can't go bowling because she has to work the club and now this. Oh boo hoo! WAAAA! Goodnight you two whining brats!

Next week it looks like there is going to be all kinds of chaos going down on The Hills. It's a New Years Eve episode and Lauren and Jason are fighting about something again. We see Jason looking totally wasted say to Lauren, "You know what I want to talk about? Friendly relationships." When Lauren asks, "what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Jason cryptically replies, "You'll find out." Next clip is of Lauren in cab with tears down her face saying "Happy New Years Jason" into her cellphone. And yet, we see this preview knowing the couple is still together to this day. UGH.


Blogger Kim said...

Ughhh I hate heidi sooo much it's ridiculous. Who in their right mind would hire her! I just don't understand.

10:00 AM, July 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How can you spend so much time typing/recapping the hills when I saw you on RockStar Supernova last night?? Wasnt that your goldylocks I saw in the front row and if so or not are you married or single??

11:32 AM, July 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does Lauren own more than one outfit/hair accessory? I mean I love the look, but the girl needs some variety.

12:59 PM, July 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't worry. Heidi will someday get fired and end up with her top off on a late-night TV special

1:11 PM, July 06, 2006  
Anonymous kelly said...

oh man i love your recap. perfecto.
i love whitney.

2:33 PM, July 06, 2006  
Anonymous kristi said...

Oh Heidi. You never fail to entertain me. Whitney totally owned the runway. She did great. We need to see more of Jason!

When does the third season of Laguna Beach start?

3:24 PM, July 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like i missed a good episode...heidi was on waaay too much...

6:33 PM, July 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

could heidi be any dumber? i mean honestly-is it possible?

9:36 PM, July 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great recap, TW. thanks. And I don't even watch the show!

Definitely do recaps if Brit does her reality show. : )

8:15 AM, July 07, 2006  
Blogger kally said...

love the recap!! i missed this episode and now really looking forward to seeing the rerun. i cant stand heidi either, you pegged it when you said she is not at all professional. i dont even see why lauren is friends with her dumbass. whenever i watch i just wanna punch her in the face!!

4:27 PM, July 07, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I totally thought Jason was blowing lines in the bathroom as well...So glad I am not the only one who noticed! And also I agree with the comment about Lauren's wardrobe, I am so tired of the same cropped jeans and that damn headband! Thanks for the recaps...

8:46 AM, July 12, 2006  
Anonymous Lauren said...

I like Jason and I don't like the mean things you said about Heidi because I like her, too. And I stopped reading because you got Teen Vogue's LISA LOVE'S name wrong. I would say... worst recap I've ever seen.

8:35 AM, July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Heidi said...

Omigosh. I can't belive all the rude things you said about me! Yeah, it's the real Heidi here. And you're just like bashing Lauren's boyfriend, Jason? I can't belive you! I agree with Lauren. This is the worst episode recap in history!

8:39 AM, July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Jason Wahler said...

Fuck you guys. You have no buisness to put on rumors that I was on coke in the bathroom. And Lauren's style is perfectly fine. I also hate all you other little fake readers (except Lauren and Heidi) that are agreeing ith this shit. And what the fuck?! Heidi isn't a freakin dumb ass, Kally. I feel like punching you in the face. All of you need to get your little asses off the computer and get a life.

8:43 AM, July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Audrina said...

This is just a bunch of insults that are useless. I feel sorry for the person who wrote this recap because it seems all they can think of are mindless insults.

8:50 AM, July 18, 2006  
Anonymous PUNK GRRL said...

hahaha! i luv ur article!!! it's absoloutley priceless. keep it up!

8:51 AM, July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Talan's Whore said...

Love the uber fab article. I wanna have Jason bang me, even if he's on coke. He's so hot!

8:53 AM, July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Holly S. said...

Garbadge. Absoloute garbadge.

8:54 AM, July 18, 2006  
Blogger madysenn said...

i think you all are great i love lauren and i love jason you guys are perfect together love the show hope all is well

10:35 AM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love the hills except for jason. i cant belive theyre still dating! lauren is young and she needs to get out more and experience new things! i hope she goes to paris and leaves jasons ass in cali,besides,does he even work? i never saw his house,or work in any episodes...heidi is alryt,at least she has a job and always there for lauren.shes a great friend i would think

3:51 PM, July 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is a great entertainment! by the way,JASON, u said we need to get off our little ass of the comp, ur the one that wrote a comment and read this anyway! so obviously,ur like us..dumbass, get a job!

3:55 PM, July 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

By the way, what is Jason's job? Is he just hanging out or what?

10:05 AM, July 30, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Old recap... needs to updated! Love the show, each of thier unique personalities bring something to the show and make it entertaining! I was just a little bummed Lauren gave up her internship in Paris for Jason! Don't get me wrong props for giving the second chance and all, but Paris... may I say more!

3:01 PM, August 07, 2006  
Blogger Tabloid Whore! said...

um, yeah..go to the main page at, I have been doing them every single week.

3:46 PM, August 07, 2006  
Anonymous Emma said...

i think all you guys are great but it must be hard being in front of the cameras all the time. i think im with everyone else though when i say lauren should have gone to paris. its clear that he's only with u cause of the show.and to jason if we didnt keep up with whats on the net and the show u wouldnt be getin paid so fxxk u.

2:56 AM, August 30, 2006  
Anonymous ellax said...

i think it funny when jason cant take the crap thats dished out, so why act like a wanker on the show. hahaha

3:01 AM, August 30, 2006  

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